“Seeing what our present situation is, I’m guessing so.” She half-shrugs, resting her arms on the countertop. “A year ago, I paid off thousands of dollars of his debt. It’s honestly disturbing how fast he can get into owing more money.”
I know she’s not rich. I also know what I pay her, and what she takes home in tips. “You took out a loan?” I guess.
She nods. “The first time I paid off his debt, I had to use my savings that Gran left me. The second time, I got a loan.” She rises and moves to the sink, dumping the ice cubes, then placing the glass into the dishwasher.
When she turns back to me, all I see is how I’ve wronged her—how what I’ve done caused more pain to a woman who doesn’t deserve any of it. Shame is a cold thing lacing through my veins. “I think that’s enough questions for tonight,” I tell her, needing time to make right all that I’ve made wrong. “There’s a spare bedroom, first door to the right.” I gesture down the hallway past the kitchen. “There are towels in the bathroom if you’d like a shower or a bath. You won’t be bothered in there.”
She gives a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Than
ks.”
When she goes to walk by me, I realize I can’t let her. Not yet.
“McKenna,” I say, and she stops, looks at me. “Before you go, I want you to know that I’m more sorry than I’ve ever been in my life for being another person who has hurt you.” I pause and sigh, aching to reach out and stroke her face, bring her close where I can keep her warm. “You’re so damn good, so damn sweet, and you deserve happiness.”
She’s silent, staring at me, and that silence makes it impossible for me to hide the misery tearing me apart. Once, I controlled my world. I had a handle on everything. Now that’s changed because of the tabloids and McKenna’s brother. Most of all, I hate the distance I’ve put between us, and I hate that as my life spirals out of control, she’s involved because of me.
“I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for doubting you,” I continue, lost in her soulful eyes. “But I hope one day you’ll understand that while I’m furious at your brother for what he’s done, I’m sorry that you’re involved.” I step closer, but not too close, cautious of hurting her further. “This morning, I thought that would be my only chance to ever be close to you. I wanted that. To touch you . . . to be near you . . . to finally have you . . .I needed that.” I pause, bleeding out my truth in ways I’ve never done before. “I needed it so much when I thought I had to say goodbye to you.”
Tears well in her eyes but I can’t stop. I push on because she needs to hear this. Not to forgive me but because I can’t let her go to sleep thinking any of this should fall on her shoulders. “While it’s easy to justify that this morning happened because I thought you had betrayed me,” I add gently, “I should have known better. I should have stood by you, not blamed you. I should have known that you never would have done this, because it’s not the person you are. Why I couldn’t see that earlier, I don’t know. Why I trusted Ryder’s evidence instead of thinking it through and knowing that you could never have done this will forever be my greatest regret.”
I turn, ready to give her the space and freedom I know she needs, when her soft voice flows across me. “You must hate me.”
McKenna
Gabe’s back is to me, head bowed and his shoulders visibly lift and fall with his deep breath. When he turns to face me, his eyes are haunted. “Please tell me how you came to the conclusion that I hate you from what I said?”
“My brother did this to you.” I voice the thoughts I can’t run away from, forcing myself to talk instead of doing what’s instinctual for me, and that’s to shut down. “He did this to all of you. For weeks now, I’ve watched your friends go through hell. I’ve watched you go through hell. You trusted me with the code to your bar and because I trusted someone completely untrustworthy look what happened.”
“You are not your brother, Kenna,” is Gabe’s reply.
Tears well from frustration with this whole situation. He hasn’t called me by my nickname all day, only reminding me how fucked up things are. Neither Gabe nor I is at fault here, and yet we’re in the path of destruction.
I’m not sure if it’s the warmth of the whiskey or the familiar warmth rising in his eyes, but I see now that we were both hurt. Gabe, first. Me, second. In the end, we’re both standing here utterly broken and bared because of what my brother has done to us.
I fight back the emotion, knowing if we don’t talk now there will be no coming back from this. Ever. “Even if I’m not my brother, he’s the reason the world now knows your secrets.” Not that I make a habit of reading the tabloids—I have enough dirty little secrets of my own to worry about—but gossip in the bar was that the tabloids hounding Gabe was the reason for his terrible mood lately. “I should never have let this happen.” I pause. Then I say what’s really on my mind, “Stuff like this keeps happening over and over again, like I’m in this horrible time warp that won’t end. All the people who end up hurt are the ones who shouldn’t be hurt at all. But this is because I can’t say goodbye to my brother. I trust him again and again, letting him in, when I know, deep down, he’s going to fuck everything up again.”
Gabe moves closer, but keeps his distance as he obviously reads between the lines of all the things I’m not saying but feeling. “You are not responsible for this, McKenna. Your brother broke your trust. That’s on him, not you. Please tell me you know that.”
All I know is the distance between us is killing me burns across my heart, yet the words to explain properly don’t come. Instead, I speak another truth, “It’s not something we can ignore either. If I’d never trusted my brother when he came to visit me that night, never let him see me entering in the security code, this wouldn’t have happened. If I’d never trusted him . . .” The coldness in the air between us is so foreign my tears spill over. The iciness now breaking into all the heat I usually feel around him.
“Goddammit,” he snaps.
He’s suddenly there, his arms in a vise grip around me, and I feel it then. It’s there in the tremble of his body, in his strong grip. He wants to touch me. He wants to own me. He wants to make me his for right now. And there’s nothing I need more than him right now. The strength, and the heat of his body engulf me, and the tears I’ve been fighting break free, raining down my cheeks. Because all of this is unfair.
And I know neither of us knows how to fix all that’s gone wrong.
He finally leans away, brushes the tears off my cheeks and murmurs, “Please tell me what you’re thinking.”
In the depths of his eyes, I see so much. Regret, anger, pain, rage. It’s all there, breaking me apart with equal fervor. Because this isn’t how we should’ve started. “I thought today . . .” I swallow the words, unable to say them aloud.
He sighs, eyes soft, thumbs stroking my cheeks. “You thought you had me.”
I nod, my breath catching on a sob.
“You do have me.” His hands tighten around my face, the hard planes of his body quivering against mine, voice lowering, “For Christ sakes, McKenna, if you want me, take all of me.”
“I don’t only want you, Gabe,” I speak my truth. “I need you.” Because right now nothing in my world is right. Not with Evan missing. Not with my steady life suddenly in shambles. Gabe has always been a constant, all that warmth a much-needed necessity in my life.