I walk down the hallway, feeling my heart shatter in a way it’s shattered before. This is the Darius I know, the one who’s emotionally unavailable. Where friends call friends when something’s up or wrong, Darius shuts the world out. And as his girlfriend before, I felt burned.
I enter my office, finding Allie smiling at me. “Surprised to see me?” she asks.
“Yes, very,” I respond, almost absentmindedly, moving behind my desk. I should share everything that’s been going on with Darius, and even talk about what I’m feeling to sort through it all. I just don’t know where to start. “But it’s a good surprise. What’s up?”
“Well”—Allie crosses one
leg over the other, bouncing her feet in rhythm with the soft rock song playing on the radio—“we didn’t really get the chance to talk more yesterday after Darius kicked me out, so I thought I’d come by to check in.”
Which in Allie’s terms means she has questions for me that need answers. “All right.” I lean back in my chair. “What’s on your mind?”
Allie takes a sip from her coffee cup then begins. “Are you going to return to San Diego to press charges against Shawn, or is that just something you told your dad to get him to back down?”
I half shrug. “I haven’t quite decided that yet.”
Allie’s eyes narrow in the way they always do when she’s thinking really hard. “What’s the deciding factor?”
I nibble my lip, pondering a moment. “I guess I gotta figure out what I want to do about it all. Pressing charges is a really serious thing, and I want to be sure that’s the right thing to do before I do it.”
“So, no impulse decisions?”
I nod. “Exactly.”
I can tell she wants to know more, but I also know she won’t dig any deeper than what I offer her. Some things are not even for best friends to share, and Shawn’s problems are his, not mine to tell the world.
Instead of pressing me, she asks, “Okay, so now please explain to me why you had sex with Darius last night?”
“Oh, my God, Allie, seriously?” I glance toward the hallway, ensuring no one heard her.
Thankfully, no one did.
An awkward pause hangs in the air between us. I’m staring at her. She’s staring right back at me. Darius is one subject that Allie and I don’t talk too much about. He is her brother after all, so it gets weird. But we’re also best friends. And what’s a best friend if you can’t share your dirty little secrets with her?
At my silence, considering at this moment my mind is confused enough, Allie sighs and continues, “Listen, I know this conversation isn’t one that we want to have, and your relationship with him is totally none of my business, but I’m really worried about you. Darius is not the guy you should be looking to for comfort right now.”
“I know that,” I admit, even if it’s hard to.
Allie clearly senses my discomfort, and her voice softens. “I love my brother. Deeply. But while he’s changed in some ways”—she pauses, choosing her words carefully—“he’s also the same guy who once hurt you so badly. He’s still emotionally absent. That about him hasn’t changed.”
My heart clenches a little. Sometimes the truth cuts. There’s no way to avoid that.
I can’t seem to find words to answer her, so she continues, “I know he’s doing a lot to help you right now. But what he’s giving you now is all he can give you. He will hurt you again, because he can’t be the guy we both know you want.”
“I know that, too,” I also admit, sinking farther down into my chair.
Allie’s brows draw together and she sighs deeply, lowering her paper cup to her lap. “Then what are you doing with him?”
I glance away to the mug in my hands, unable to look at her. “Now, that I don’t know.”
“Do you still love him?”
I look at her, seeing only concern in her expression. “You know that I’ll always love him.”
She gives a gentle nod. “Yes, I do, which is why I’m bringing this up. Can you keep to just a casual relationship? Can you walk away from him? Would it break you if he ended things because he fell in love with someone else?” Her voice, her energy, she always exudes warmth. Her love erases the chill in my soul as she continues, “If he can’t be what you need, will it destroy you like it did before and you’ll move away because everything you see reminds you of him?”
“I don’t know,” is all I can answer.
Her voice gets even softer. “Do you not remember how much he hurt you?”