But the tabloids would never focus on the good. They would somehow rip Taylor’s life apart. “Now is not the time to do this. I have enough going on with the tabloids than to drag Taylor further into it.”
Her brows raise. “Again, so what?”
“It’s not safe for Taylor.”
“Bullshit,” she growls. “That’s a total cop-out, and you know it.”
Maybe from the earlier conversation, I’m on edge, because this is getting to that place inside I don’t like, touching something within me that crawls with discomfort. “I don’t want to talk about this with you.”
I don’t see or hear her approach me. But then her hands are around my face. “No, this time you are going to hear me.” Her soulful eyes stare deeply into mine, breaking me apart like they did that first time I met her in the police station after her parents died, when she changed my life forever. “You have to stop this vicious cycle you’ve been living in. Let people in, let them love you.”
I rise from my seat, getting away from her and all that she makes me feel. I don’t understand why women need to talk about emotions. And I certainly don’t get why both Allie and Taylor can’t let business be business and leave it alone.
“This,” Allie continues. “All of this. I know what this is.” She closes in on me, sending me walking back toward the window, the walls closing in on me. “It’s all about Mom. It’s all about this thing inside of you that tells you that you don’t deserve to be loved, because you think she didn’t love you, because you think she walked out on you. But it’s not true, if only you would open your eyes.”
“I don’t need to open my eyes. It is true,” I state harshly, clenching my hands into fists. “I was there. She left, and she never came back.”
Allie shakes her head, clearly disagreeing. “Because your father did that to her, and to you. Please. God, Darius, hear me.” Tears well up in her eyes, and her voice trembles. “You didn’t see the heartbreak that Mom lived with, always missing you.” She points to her chest. “I did. I lived with that. I saw her pain from not having you in her life. It broke her, Darius.” She takes one step and then another, then she’s holding on to my arms. “For once, listen to what I’m telling you, please. Stop hating her for something that your father did. He paid other people to lie for him, and you both suffered for it.”
“This isn’t about her,” I say, unease rolling through me, sweat forming along my spine. “I’m protecting Taylor. That’s all.” I return to my chair, unable to look at her, unable to even think. “I need to work, Allison.”
“So, that’s it?” Allie asks, defeated. “Yet again, you’re shutting me, and everyone else, out?”
“I need to work,” is my reply. I fear if I look at her, I’ll break.
“Then all I can say, and hope that you hear me, is stop this. Go to Taylor. Be happy. Because that pain I saw in our mom, that raw pain of missing you so deeply right up until the day she died, I’ve see that same pain in Taylor every single day for the last five years, and I’ve seen it in you, too.”
I can’t even process how I feel about what she told me. I did what I did to give Taylor the life she deserved. I set her free because I love her; isn’t that what they tell you to do? I can only listen, staring down at my keyboard, as Allie adds, “For once, Darius, stop protecting Taylor from a distance, but love her right up close. She needs to look beside her and see you there.”
My eyes shut, and I’m reeling, not sure what I feel, or even what I want to do. My chest tightens, the air so hard to get in and out. I hear the door to my office open and then shut again. I know that Allie’s left now. She’s told me that before about my mother, but how can that be true? My mother never came back. Not once. No phone call. Nothing. She didn’t want you, my father had said. A mother who loved her son would have reached out.
As I’ve thought all along, I suspect that Allie only knows what our mother told her, which are lies to make herself look better. Maybe it’s time Allie knows that, too. To put this matter to bed once and for all, I reach for the phone and quickly dial the number. “Ryder,” I say when he answers the phone. “I need you to look into something personal to me.”
A pause. Then, “What’s that?”
“My parents’ divorce.”
Taylor
By mid-afternoon, I’m done sitting around, wondering why Darius hasn’t called me or come to see me. Something’s wrong. I feel it in my bones. That’s what brings me to his office.
Before I even reach Charlotte’s desk, I see that his door is shut. While he could be in a meeting, something deep inside me tells me he’s not. And as Charlotte sees me, for the first time I catch emotion—concern—on her face; I know I’m not wrong.
“Good afternoon, Taylor,” says Charlotte, looking everywhere but at me.
I’d swear if she could pick up the phone and pretend to be on it, she would. “Is Darius in?” I ask, even though I know he is.
“Um…err…” Charlotte finally collects herself and gives a professional smile. “I’m sorry to say that he is busy. Can I let him know that you dropped by?”
My heart feels the first stab. “Did you let him know earlier that I wanted to talk to him?”
“Yes, of course,” she says.
That’s when I see it. Pity. It’s written there all over her face. “Charlotte, did he tell you specifically that he didn’t want to talk to me today?”
She flinches and whispers, “Please don’t make me answer that. I don’t want to get in trouble.”
And that’s the second blow to my heart in less than two seconds. It’s familiar, too familiar…and oh, so raw. I feel as if I’m sinking into the floor, wishing it would swallow me up whole. “Okay, don’t worry about it,” I say, cheeks flushing red-hot as I spin on my heel to avoid any further embarrassment.