“But there’s no love there, no affection?”
I shake my head. “No. There’s respect.”
She glances away, her expression pinched in thought. Then she finally draws in a deep breath before addressing me again. “Okay, I guess I can understand that. But have any of them ever wanted anything more from you?”
“More money, you mean?”
She nods. “Yes, usually people always come back asking for more.”
I bark an unamused laugh. “Taylor, I didn’t involve myself with random women after my money. The women I entered into this arrangement with were not only vetted, they were also picked by me because of their loyalty to their previous Dominants.”
Silence cuts through the air. Heavy silence in which I’m wondering if I’ve said something wrong. I rub away the tight lines between her eyebrows. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Her eyes become pained. “I’m just thinking that sounds really, really sad.”
“Sad?” That’s an unexpected response. “Why sad?”
“Because you’re still being you,” she says gently, reaching up to cup my cheek, “still being the hero. Being the guy who swoops in and saves everyone. Being the man who makes sure a woman has all she needs in the way he can give it to her. But, in this case, you’re giving that to women who are picked by you specifically because you know they won’t love back.”
I freeze, coldness sweeping through me. I don’t like where she’s going with this. I don’t like how it makes me feel. “Believe me, it wasn’t a sad arrangement.”
The look in her eyes tells me she doesn’t believe me at all. Yet she turns back onto her side, returning her cheek to my thigh, staring at the wall of toys. And that doesn’t surprise me. Taylor knows when not to push me. She knows when I’ll shut down.
“Does this type of play still interest you?” she eventually asks.
It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a very long time. “I’m not sure,” I tell her truthfully, stroking her hair again. “I’m not sure it’s something that ever leaves you. Being dominant is a part of my personality that I discovered and explored.”
“But maybe it’s been explored enough?” she offers.
“That’s the question that needs answering.” I need something, though. I’m restless lately. Somehow, I feel like the answer involves Taylor or what I feel with her. But it’s all hazy and hard to reach to come to any firm conclusions.
She sighs deeply. “You know, I’d offer up some fabulous advice here, but I don’t think I’m in any position to give anyone advice on their life.” She tenses, clearly reminded of her situation.
And that’s not what I want. “Your life is fine. You’ve just hit a speed bump, that’s all.”
She snorts. “It seems like I’ve hit a lot of them ever since I left…”
You remains unsaid. But she’s wrong. She didn’t leave me. I made her leave. I broke her heart. I was a foolish young man on a quest to rule the world. I wanted money. I wanted sex, in any way I wanted it. Now, though, as I lie here with her, I can’t help but wonder if I would have had all those things with her.
If I had listened to her back then and didn’t push her away, what would we have become? What would she have become? She fights her way back because she’s a survivor, but if I’d just been what she needed back then her life would be very different now.
I failed her.
I could never fail her again.
She adds softly, “But things are getting better.” Her eyes twinkle up at me. “And I have you to thank for that.”
Fuck, I don’t deserve her affection. I give her a small smile as the only answer I’m prepared to give.
Obviously she feels the growing tension, and she wiggles to move, and I close my hands in her hair. “Stay still.” A long sigh issues from deep within her chest, and she once again lets go and rests against me. “I like this,” I tell her, opening my fingers to drag them through her soft, silky hair.
“You like this?” she repeats.
Two things can relax me this way. A cabin in the woods where the only noise is birds chirping, and Taylor. “You quiet me.”
I hear the smile in her voice. “Is that a compliment? That sounds boring.”
“Believe me, it’s not.”