She’s gone.
“I killed Clara,” I hear myself saying, still fighting to find my way back from the one memory I can never forget. “Regardless that I’m not the one who dragged the knife down her arms, I did that to her.” I can’t remember all the words I said, to tell Allie about my past, of my first love, blackmail and suicide, but I become more present when I add, “At the time, Clara thought I craved to beat and rape women. You have to understand times were different then. Kinky sex had a stigma. It’s not accepted like it is today.” I draw in a long breath, running my thumbs across Allie’s hands, before continuing. “Had I been more sure of myself back then, I could have explained that I liked kinky, sometimes rough sex, but I was a different man then. I didn’t understand myself what I wanted, let alone help someone else try to understand me.”
The sky at some point darkened around us, but I’m not sure exactly when. I glance sideways at Allie, and the lights from the carnival are glowing into the night, illuminating her. Tears rush down her face, instantly crippling me. I can’t handle seeing her hurting. I shut my eyes, knowing I can’t get lost now. I have to push on. “Clara was a very sweet, innocent, sheltered girl. She wasn’t equipped to handle me. Nor was she the type of girl who could blackmail someone and not let the guilt of that overwhelm her, which it so clearly did in the end.” My voice cracks and I allow it to. I can’t hide anymore. I won’t. Not with Allie. “After I learned that Clara hadn’t returned to school, I tried to find her. I searched for weeks and hired a private investigator to locate her, but what I learned later is that when Clara became depressed, her father let her rot in a mental hospital. She shouldn’t have been there…” I shut my mouth, unable to finish, feeling my eyes growing sticky.
“Micah…” Allie says softly.
I can’t raise my head. I can’t even move.
She cups my face, forcing my head up. Her eyes are firm, as is her voice. “You need to forgive yourself for all of this.”
I blow out the breath stuck in my throat. Somehow she’s saying exactly what I need to hear, and that doesn’t surprise me. That’s what she does; she gets me in a way no one else does. She is everything I need and more. She can handle me.
I don’t want to hear that Clara’s death isn’t my fault. I don’t want to hear that we were young and foolish. I don’t want to hear that there’s nothing I could’ve done or that Clara made her own choices. Because all I think of when I think of Clara is that my selfish sexual desires are what led to her death and that I wish I could’ve saved her.
The breeze brushes by, and I run my hand over the silky strands of Allie’s hair, tucking them behind her ear, not allowing those eyes to be hidden from me. “I kept trying to protect you,” I continue. “But I realize now that it’s something I shouldn’t fight. You’ve never once punished me for the darkness, and I’ll always adore the lightness in you; therefore, together
, somehow this just works.” I inhale deeply before continuing. “The moment you walked into my life, you showed me another way to live. Now I can’t look back. No more hiding, Allie. No more running.”
“We’re in this together.” She smiles.
A smile that hastily ends the conversation.
There’s nothing else but my lips on hers and my arms tightly wrapped around her. I have her. She has me. And the darkness slithering inside is no longer restless. It’s still there, and I know that pain won’t ever leave me completely, only now I don’t have shields up against Allie, she holds the sword to fight my demons.
Chapter 20
Allie
I enter my bedroom a couple hours later after telling Micah to stay put in my living room. I grab the plastic bag next to my bed on the hardwood floor, and begin emptying the contents onto the mattress. While I take the time to lay out each item perfectly, I’m thinking about how Micah had his chance to make things right between us. Now it’s my turn.
I finish up with the items in front of me and smooth out the bedsheet, drawing in a big deep breath for bravery. Then I call out, “Okay, come in.”
“I’m expecting you to be naked.”
I chuckle at his hard voice, but I stop laughing when he enters the room. His expression, as always, is completely unreadable. He slowly examines each item on the bed before he looks at me. “You’re not naked.” Hardness fills those gorgeous smoky eyes. “We’re also not doing this.”
I raise my brows at him. “No?”
“No.”
I can’t let him stop me. Those demons are still there. I see them, quiet for now, but still pulsating beneath the surface. There’s not room in this relationship for all of us. And those demons need to be gone. For good.
“I’m sorry to tell you this…” I unhook each button of my blouse, watching him studying me with all his intensity being expertly controlled. Once I ditch my shirt, I unbutton my pants, pushing them down. “But this choice is mine to make.” I toss my pants aside, remaining in delicate black lingerie.
He needs this.
We need this.
I am strong enough to fight his demons. But I want to rid him of those fuckers forever. Deep within me, I don’t doubt myself now. No matter the butterflies in my stomach and the tremble of my hands making me feel very inexperienced, I push on, because I see the flare in his eyes, telling me these items on the bed make him hot.
Clara, and her tragic death, made him ashamed of his desires.
I want him to embrace them. I need him to embrace them. Because by doing so, I’m getting the Micah that no one ever has and is all mine. I’m getting Micah in his powerful entirety, and it’s what my heart craves and my body desires.
Those smoky eyes narrow, his jaw clenching. “Allison,” he warns.
It’s a weak warning. I hear the waver in his voice. “Oooh, calling me by my full name. I must be a very bad girl. You better punish me.” I smile sassily at him, sensing the air shifting in the room, becoming thicker as he remains unnaturally still.