Chapter 18
Micah
The next morning, I exit the en suite bathroom, wrapping a towel around my waist. Cold water drips from my hair down the side of my cheek, but the coolness is easing the heat of my flesh. Everything’s foggy this morning and my stomach’s weak. I’m struggling to remember what happened last night. So far I’ve only gotten quick flashes of being at the pub and of Allie showing up, but the rest seems stuck behind a haze I can’t break through.
My mouth is pasty and my feet are dragging against the hardwood floor as I move into the walk-in closet. I dry my hair, hanging the towel over the door, torn between what I want and what I thought I had to do to protect Allie. I realize, as I grab a pair of black workout pants, I don’t know how to live with her. But as I step into my pants, I acknowledge that I’m crashing without her.
I reach for a gray T-shirt in the drawer, and after dressing, a sudden flash of Allie’s smile reminds me of the fight I nearly got into last night. Her smile that can never lose its warmth, and altered my life the moment I set eyes on her, feels like it belongs to me. When she unleashed it on someone else, and that guy touched her arm, the final st
rands of my control vanished.
My skin burns red-hot as I exit the closet to fetch a drink of water, when I find Levi standing in the doorway, holding a mug in one hand and painkillers in the other.
“I called Holt to let Neil know you were taking a sick day,” he says.
“Thank you,” I say, accepting the pills.
“That should help the headache.” He hands me the mug. “This will kill your hangover altogether. It’s a family recipe.”
I sniff the brown, thick liquid. “What is it?”
“Better that you don’t know.” Levi smiles, mischievously. “Just drink.”
I toss the pills into my mouth and chase them back with the hot drink. The thick-as-molasses liquid makes it to my stomach before I’m coughing. “Cures a hangover by killing the person, right?”
Levi chuckles. “There will always be a punishment for getting completely shit-faced.” I force back another sip, recalling Levi depositing me into my bed last night. Which explains why I woke up this morning fully clothed. I lower the mug from my mouth, when Levi’s eyes, wise as always, zero on me. “Do you remember seeing Allie?”
“Vaguely.” I move to the four-poster bed, leaning against the dark wood column. “Did I…”
“Make an ass of yourself?”
I nod.
“Totally,” Levi states, dryly, then he gives a half shrug. “Luckily for you, she seemed more concerned than annoyed with you.”
“I would expect nothing less from her.” That’s how Allie cares for people. I’m seeing it more and more now. She gives second, third, and fourth chances, yet somehow holds her strength when she does.
Her loving someone right isn’t her weakness; it’s her gift.
An ache begins to thump behind my eyes. No doubt the pains from my hangover. Confusion squeezes my mind. Her gift is blurring the lines I’ve drawn. I want to go to her. Fuck, I want to hold her tight, never allowing anyone else to touch something so pure and beautiful. But the truth is, the person most capable of harming her is me.
It’s a charade that has to end.
I want to be someone different with her. I wish I could be. But the darkness clawing inside me reminds me that I’ll never be the gentle, sweet, loving guy she deserves. It’s not in my DNA. I force myself to take bigger sips of the drink to survive it, doing my best to ignore the bitter aftertaste. A bead of sweat slides down my cheek and my chest is tingling, but I’m not sure if that’s from the booze leaving my body, the concoction Levi is feeding me, or my shame over Allie.
Now I remember her helping me exit the bar. She stood by me. Even after how cold I’d been to her, she’d been there when I needed her. I don’t know this kind of love. It’s supportive. It’s unconditional. It’s kind. But I also know that it does have a limit, and once Allie’s affection is gone, it will be gone forever.
My flesh itches and crawls. Last night, the booze made everything quiet. Now a loud roar of uncertainty is screaming in my mind.
“Looks like you’ve got some more color now,” says Levi, breaking into my thoughts. “Which is good, since there’s someone waiting for you in the library.”
“Who?” I push off the end of the bed, approaching Levi.
“Darius Bennett.”
I stretch my neck, releasing the tension filling my muscles. Darius is the last person I want to see, but he’s the exact man I knew I’d wake to this morning. I hurt Allie. I have to answer for it. I down the remainder of the liquid in one painful gulp, realizing the world is a little straighter and my head is clearer. “You should bottle that stuff and sell it,” I tell Levi, handing him the mug.
“Nah, it’d never be FDA approved.” His eyebrows pinch together, lips press tight, and I can tell he has more to say that isn’t about his hangover remedy.