I’m not that guy.
I’m the guy who wants my woman beneath me, while she’s bound in my ropes.
“That I don’t know yet,” I finally admit to Gabe and myself.
Gabe’s eyes widen, as does his grin. “Well, that’s a first.”
I nod, it being the only answer I need to give.
I always have a plan. Women don’t get to me. I don’t let them, and Gabe knows this, too. But Allie’s getting right under my skin. I can feel her there, all that warmth and light weaving within me and tugging me to make this right with her.
For years, I have kept absolute control over my life. I chose Juliet to f
ulfill the needs that most women cannot. I don’t date women who consent to kinky sex. It confuses things for me. I have rules in place to keep a firm grip on my life. I set boundaries to keep everything in line. I don’t do emotional relationships. Yet I feel myself slipping.
I’m wanting things I shouldn’t want.
And I’m wanting them with a woman I shouldn’t want.
Chapter 11
Allie
“You can’t avoid him forever,” Taylor says softly, staring at me through my Mac computer the next morning. “He’s going to want to talk to you again.”
Sitting behind my rustic whitewashed desk in my home office, I agree. “Oh, I know.” The light purple walls surrounding me should soothe me and improve my mood, as should the wall of bookshelves with all my favorite reads. Even the sun shining through the wall of windows should make me smile. I couldn’t ask for a better Sunday, but without booze, there’s no changing my mood today. “At least I have all day today to figure out how to talk to him without nearly breaking into tears.” Yesterday, after work, I told Taylor every single detail of what had happened with Micah. Yet for some reason, we’re still talking about him the next day. And I know why that is. I like this guy. A lot. And that really sucks, since it can’t work between us. “God, you should have seen me. I almost broke down right in front of him.”
“Well, he hurt your feelings, so it’s totally understandable,” Taylor says with a soft voice. “Besides, your gentle heart is why I love you so much. Don’t ever change, especially for some guy who doesn’t deserve a single one of your tears. You can’t help how you feel.”
I push my chair back and prop my feet up on the edge of my desk. “Yeah, I know, and that’s the problem.”
“Why?” Big bouncy curls frame Taylor’s face today, and her eyes are shiny and bright. “Because you like him?”
“I like the guy who isn’t leaving me in the morning.” I sigh, rubbing my temple, fighting off the looming headache. “Hell, I even like the guy he showed me when I was about to walk out the door, yesterday in my office. But the thing is, I don’t see that guy all the time.” I pause, collecting my thoughts before I start rambling. “The only person who can take care of me is me, and allowing anyone into my life who can’t understand that a woman would want him there in the morning seems…well, stupid, to put it simply.”
Taylor frowns. “Yeah, I hear you, but sometimes you can’t help falling for someone you shouldn’t. It just happens and there’s nothing you can do about it, no matter if it’s the right or wrong thing to do.”
She’s talking about herself, I know that, and I hate that my issues are reminding her of her problems with Shawn. I scrape my hand across my eyes, suddenly feeling tired. “I don’t even know why I allowed this to happen in the first place. You know me, and you know how much I dislike this type of guy. I guess a part of me thought he wasn’t that guy or that he’d change for me or…Hell, I don’t know what I was thinking.” I pause, trying to figure it all out in my mind. “But even if Micah hadn’t left me like he did, I still want a normal life. I want morning coffee together, date nights, and meals around the dinner table. The real romantic stuff.”
Taylor gives me an empty, distant stare. Of course she understands, because she’s gone through that with Darius, and she went through that confusing time with me when I got a little lost before I started working at Richardson.
I couldn’t stand the way people looked at me when they would attend Darius’s fancy dinner parties at the house, which had nothing to do with a party and everything to do with business. It was so pretentious, even many of Darius’s business partners’ daughters wanted to befriend me, but it wasn’t because they really liked me. They saw my status in high society and what my friendship could do for them. I never wanted to be a socialite. I wanted people to like me for me.
Taylor sighs, breaking me away from my thoughts. “So, it’s complicated?”
“Very,” I agree. Because I don’t get why this guy is bugging me so much. Heck, my last boyfriend, who I dated casually for a month, didn’t affect me like this. When I broke up with Jon, I was over it by the next day, because it was my choice to end the relationship. I liked Jon and we’re still friendly if I see him, but the spark wasn’t there and I had to stop pretending that it was. I chose to end things with Micah too, so why is he still on my mind?
And yet I know the answer.
I like this guy. Really, truly like him.
We stay silent a moment. Two best friends, who are hours apart, yet somehow she’s making me feel better because I can see and talk to her.
I finally break the silence. “God, this is so depressing.”
“Maybe depressing is a good thing, though,” Taylor says with a soft smile. “Maybe it means that things aren’t over like you think they are. Maybe it’s that Micah needs to do something to deserve you. And maybe it’s about damn time you met someone who you can’t walk away from so easily.” She pauses then half shrugs. “I sincerely doubt that Micah’s dated a lot of women who expect more out of him. You’re kinda one of a kind because of your past. So, maybe, all you need to do is give him the chance to catch up with you. Who knows, maybe he’s looking for a little real himself.”
Now it’s my turn to shrug and say, “Maybe,” for the thousandth time in the last few seconds. Because now I’m beginning to wonder if I’m being too hard on Micah. He tried to apologize. Why didn’t I let him?