She shifts in sleep, and as inappropriate as it is under the circumstances, my body reacts. I will my growing erection to go away, but unfortunately, it has a mind of its own. The more I’m around her, the harder it gets to keep that reaction at bay. I want her so fucking bad. My body’s been deprived of release, and now that it’s found something it wants, it wants it now. It’s more than just my body that craves Gwen, though, it’s my soul as well.
And your heart, my mind whispers.
She moves again, rubbing against me harder, and I can’t keep back the low groan. My arms tighten around her, trying to hold her still. Now is not the fucking time for this. I need to know how she sees me now that she knows of my inability to save my family.
I’m not sure if it’s my arms tightening around her or if it was my groan, but her body stiffens, letting me know she’s awake.
“I’m sorry,” she says, her voice rough with sleep. I keep my arms around her when she tries to pull away.
“Don’t apologize,” I say gruffly. I’ve noticed she apologizes a lot, and I wonder if it stems from her need to please. She has that sweetness about her, and I’m sure it bothers her if she knows she’s displeased someone.
In an attempt to loosen her up, I rub circles on her upper arm. I don’t want her to be anxious around me, particularly over something as natural as sex. I don’t see the sexual tension we have between us dissipating anytime soon, especially on my end. Luckily, she starts to relax.
As much as I want to keep us in our quiet cocoon, I need to look at her and see what’s she’s thinking. I pull my arm from around her waist and get up on an elbow. With my chest no longer behind her, she rolls to her back. My chest meets the side of her, and I put my free arm on the other side of her hip. She looks so beautiful lying below me. When her eyes meet mine, her expression is unsure.
“Thank you for last night,” I tell her. Before anything else is said, I need her to know that no matter how she feels about me, I’m grateful for her being there with me last night. More than just under the bridge, but letting me hold her as well. Every year, I’ve always made sure I was alone for their anniversary, but having Gwen there last night made it a little bit easier.
She takes one of her hands and places the palm against my cheek. I close my eyes, loving the feeling of her soft skin against mine. It’s the side where my scars are. She seems to do that a lot; touch my scars. I don’t have feeling on that side like I do on the left. Surprisingly, when she touches me, I feel her touch as if I do.
“There was no way I could leave you alone. I was where I needed to be.”
Her softly spoken words are music to my ears, but I’m
still unsure how she feels about what I said last night. Insecurity is a bitch and can grip even the surest person. I don’t feel particularly strong at the moment, and I need to know what she’s thinking.
“Why did you stay?” I ask, unable to hold back the tone of uncertainty.
Her eyes turn sad. It’s a look I want gone from her face.
Instead of answering my question, she states quietly, “Alexander, there was nothing you could do to stop what happened to them.”
Part of me knows what she says is true, but a bigger part says otherwise. I’ve tried so fucking hard to let go of the guilt, but it’s festered so much that it’s a part of me now.
She sees the turmoil in my eyes and cups my other cheek. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to her touch.
“There was nothing you could do,” she says more forcefully, but her eyes remain soft. “No matter how many ways you alter something in your mind, if it wasn’t meant to be, then it wouldn’t have changed anything. We don’t have control over what happens to us in life. The only thing we can do is live it the best way we can.”
I want to believe her so fucking bad, and maybe one day I will, but it’s still too fresh to believe right now.
“Why did you stay?” I ask again, needing to know if it was only out of sympathy for someone who was in pain, or if it was something more.
Her eyes flick back and forth between mine for several seconds, as if trying to figure out how to answer my question. My heart thumps heavily against my ribs as I anxiously wait. Her eyes only give away her nervousness and show no clue as to what her answer will be.
“Because,” she starts, then licks her lips. “Because I care about you a lot and seeing you in so much pain….” She closes her eyes as if she’s in pain herself. I can tell she’s fighting against her emotions and ultimately wins the battle when she opens them again. “It was hard seeing you like that, and I wanted to help in any way I could.”
I run a finger down her face, starting at her temple and ending at the underside of her chin. This woman really is incredible. How she could feel anything for me after I exposed my deepest regrets is beyond me. She’s never looked at my scars and thought them hideous. She’s always looked beneath them.
“I don’t deserve for you to be here with me.” She opens her mouth to refute me, but I talk over her. “But I’m not strong enough to let you go either.” I dip my head and place a single kiss against her lips before pulling back an inch. “There’s so much I want from you, Gwen. So damn much, and it scares the shit out of me because I know this feeling isn’t fleeting. It’s real and so damn strong. I don’t know why you came into my life, but now that you’re here, I’m not sure I can ever willingly let you go.”
Her eyes are wide and her breath fans across my lips as her breathing becomes labored. I’m not sure if it’s due to me practically baring my soul or if it’s something more carnal. It feels so fucking wrong to even slightly desire this woman in light of what yesterday was. It was a day of remembered loss and was emotionally draining. Today’s a new day, but it’s still the day after the anniversary of losing my wife and baby, and while that pain is still very much alive, desire and lust fight their way to the forefront of my mind. That puts another mound of guilt on my shoulders, but I shove it away for the moment.
I lower my head until my lips rest against hers. Her breath hitches when I sweep my tongue gently across her lips until she opens up to me. I meet my tongue with hers, and even though neither of us has brushed our teeth, she tastes so good. Too fucking good.
A soft moan leaves her lips and the sound heightens my desire for her. One of her hands laces through my hair and digs into my scalp, pulling me closer to her. I’m only too willing to oblige.
I trace my hand down her neck, her arm, until I reach the back of her thigh. I lift her leg and hook it over my hip. It leaves her wide open for me to settle between her legs. Through our kiss, I keep my eyes open to make sure she’s okay with what’s going on. Her eyes are closed, but there’s no mistaking the intense pleasure on her face. It amps up my own need.
She lifts her other leg and wraps it around my waist. Both of her legs hold me in place. A deep groan leaves my throat when my hardness meets her soft center. The need to grind myself against her is too strong to resist.