I take a big swig from the bottle, then another, and another. It burns going down my throat, but after the first few swallows the pain fades. Raising my knees, I rest my arms on top of them and let the bottle dangle between my legs. My head clunks back against the concrete, and I close my eyes. As soon as I do, the screams of pain and the wails of my baby girl swarm me, pulling me into a dark abyss that I wonder if one day I won’t be able to escape from.
Chapter 15
Gwendolyn
I stare sightlessly across the room as I fold clothes. Memories of Alexander’s face yesterday when he caught me looking at the photos plague me. He looked so broken and torn. And angry. There was a tic in his jaw and his body was tense, like he was seconds away from pouncing. I get his anger and his sorrow. I shouldn’t have been in there. I should have waited until he was done with his phone call and asked. I didn’t realize the ramifications of looking in his drawer. When I saw those pictures, sorrow slammed into me like a sledgehammer. I had no connection to the woman and baby, but for some reason, I still felt the loss of them as if I did. That feeling grew when I saw the pain on Alexander’s face.
Although I understood his need to be alone when he told me I should leave, the rejection still hurt. His wounds were wide open because of the impending anniversary of their deaths, and I wanted nothing more than to be with him, to s
how him comfort and not let him be alone during his grief. No one should ever have to go through such a heavy emotion alone.
The need to see him now, to reassure myself he’s okay, is strong, and the more I sit here and stew over it, the stronger it gets.
I look up when Kelsey walks into the living room. My eyes fall to the standard crossword puzzle book she has rolled up in her hand. I lift my gaze to hers, confused, because ever since Alexander gave her the one he made, she hasn’t used the other ones.
I drop the towel I was folding in my lap and ask, “Did something happened to the book Alexander made you?”
She looks at me for a moment before shaking her head and looking down at the book in her hand.
“Why aren’t you using that one?”
She doesn’t answer, but she doesn’t need to. I saw the answer in her eyes before she managed to clear it away. She’s hurt from him turning us away yesterday.
“Come sit.” I pat the cushion beside me.
She comes to the couch and sits down stiffly. I turn so I’m facing her and make her look at me.
“I know you’re hurt from yesterday.” When I get nothing from her, I forge ahead. I want her to better understand Alexander’s behavior so she doesn’t think it has anything to do with her, Daniel, or me. “Something happened a few years ago that hurt him terribly.”
Understanding dawns on her face, and I get the sense that she already knows he’s hurting, she just doesn’t know why. The look doesn’t surprise me. It’s said that those who are going through pain recognize it in others. I’ve seen the way Kelsey looks at him. Even at such a young age, there was sympathy and recognition of mutual anguish.
“He lost his wife and baby, who he loved dearly.” I wrap my arm around her shoulders when her eyes start to water. “I’m not saying this to hurt you. I want you to know he’s in pain, and I don’t want you to think his actions have anything to do with you or Daniel.” I wipe away the single tear that slides down her cheek. I hate knowing this is hurting her. She’s too young to be going through so much pain. Losing her father was enough, and I know hearing about Alexander hurts her even more.
She looks at me with questions in her eyes, and I hold my breath, hoping beyond hope that she’ll speak. Disappointment has my shoulders sagging when the look disappears and she turns her head away.
“Hey.” I call her attention back to me. Once I have her eyes again, I tell her quietly, “You know how you’re really sad about losing your dad?” Although the therapist said to not shy away from bringing up Will because Kelsey needs to learn that it’s okay to talk about him, it still hurts when I do. Every time he’s mentioned it brings fresh pain to her face, but this is the best way to get her to understand Alexander’s situation.
She nods once, though her face drops with the movement.
“Sometimes people react differently than others when they lose someone they love. Alexander’s very sad for losing his family, but he’s also angry because they were taken from him. Sometimes it’s hard to hold that anger in and we may accidentally hurt the ones we care about.”
I stop and give her time to process what I’ve said, and she frowns as she thinks it over.
“Do you understand what I’m saying?” I ask after a few moments.
Her head dips down, indicating she does. I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear and lean closer so our eyes are level.
“It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, he just wanted us to go so he wouldn’t hurt us. He needed to be alone for a while.”
Leaving him behind, knowing of the heartache he was going through, was hard, but I understood. Especially when I saw his face when we pulled away. I saw the turmoil. He wanted us there, but for some reason I think it made it harder on him. I know he didn’t want us to see him in the state he was headed for. I could have dealt with it, but like him, I didn’t want the kids to see it either. So we left, even though it tore me apart to do so.
I lean forward and kiss Kelsey’s cheek, then pull back. “I love you.”
She doesn’t respond, but I know she returns the feeling.
Kelsey goes back to her room, and I return to folding laundry. Or rather, I try to. I’m too distracted, so the clothes are only receiving a half-hearted attempt.
I spot my phone on the coffee table, and it only takes me seconds to come to a decision. I snag the device from the table and speed-dial Jeremy. He answers on the third ring.