I’m a horrible person. Owen’s right. I pushed Jace away when all he was trying to do was be there for me. I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve his love.
It’s hard thing to do, to be faced with the fact that the person you love most is too good for you.
He’s strong where I am weak.
He’s brilliant where I am average.
He’s dark where I am light—because he once told me the light is where the real monsters are, and I’m definitely a monster.
I always believed we were very much the same, and that’s why we’re so good together, but I think this whole time I’ve been wrong.
Or maybe I’ve changed.
Either way, I know I don’t deserve him.
I abandoned him when we needed each other most.
I’m selfish, and horrible, and disgusting.
And I hate myself.
I hate myself for shutting down.
I hate myself for not talking to him.
I hate myself for resisting his touch.
For pushing him away.
For leaving.
For going to Owen of all people.
What kind of fucking stab to his heart it must’ve been.
I start down the street walking. I’m sobbing like a fool, but I don’t care. I won’t be the strangest person in the city, not by a long shot, that’s for sure.
I wrap my arms around myself like I can use them to keep the fraying edges of my sanity together.
My lips still tingle from Owen’s kiss and I lift one hand, rubbing the back of it harshly against them, desperate to erase it from my lips. No amount of rubbing lessens the tingle and I silently curse. It’s what I deserve, though, the reminder of how I’m not good enough for Jace.
I walk and I walk and I walk some more.
I walk so far my legs hurt and my feet are aching.
But I keep walking, like that simple act will rid me of my sins.
It’s a cloudy overcast day and it feels as if the darkening sky is growing closer and closer, like it’s seeping through the buildings like some kind of monster that slithers through the streets.
I want to feel normal again and I know I can’t do that until I’m back with Jace.
He’s part of what makes me, me.
But I still can’t shake the dirtiness of how I feel for abandoning him.
I did to him what I blamed Owen for doing to me all those years ago.
Perhaps it’s cosmic justice showing me nobody is perfect.