We stood there a few moments longer before joining his mom and the kids in the waiting room. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. After what I had done they should’ve hated me, not embraced me like family.
Tristan sat on Lily’s lap and she talked to him, forcing a smile here and there for his benefit.
I settled into the uncomfortable plastic chair, figuring we’d be waiting awhile before we knew anything.
Trace took the seat beside me, resting his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands.
Ivy was seated in the other chair next to me and laid her head on my shoulder.
“It’ll be okay, Row,” she looked up at me with innocent hazel eyes, “love conquers anything, right? Even death?”
God, I wished that was true.
I nodded for her benefit as I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes. If I slept, maybe I could convince myself that this was all merely a nightmare.
???
Hours later, with no sleep, a doctor finally appeared in the doorway.
“He’s awake now…if you’d like to see him.”
The hesitation his voice destroyed what hope was left inside me. His tone said, you might want to say your goodbyes now.
“Mom and I will go first,” Trace whispered, grasping the chair arms and using it to heave himself to his feet. He stretched his arms above his head, cracking his back. He reached for his mom, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as they followed the doctor.
Tristan crawled into my lap, burrowing his head under my neck. “What’s going on, mommy?” He asked, lovingly stroking my hair. Even at five years old he could sense the tension in my body and was trying to relieve it.
“Trent—your dad—has been hurt,” I whispered. It pained me to say those words.
“Is he going to be okay? Can I say hi?” Tristan looked up at me with wide eyes.
“I don’t know,” I answered, kissing the top of his head, his hair soft against my lips.
I wrapped my arms tightly around him, closing my eyes as I rested my head on top of his. All my regrets were piling on top of me in this moment and I felt like I was suffocating. Because of what I had done, Trent had missed out on being a part of Tristan’s life, and now Tristan might never get to know his dad.
I had been horrible and selfish to make the decision I did without telling Trent. I had been so young and stupid. Now, I was suffering the consequences.
I should have been the one in there fighting for my life, not Trent.
I didn’t want to lose him.
Even if he didn’t belong to me, and I’d have to watch him love someone else eventually, I’d rather deal with that pain than this.
I hummed under my breath, rocking Tristan in my arms.
Tristan took a piece of my hair and twisted it around his finger. “It will be okay, mommy,” he whispered in his sweet voice.
“I hope so.” I felt tears sting my eyes once more. I didn’t know how someone could keep crying like this. Eventually you had to run out of tears, right?
Trace and his mom returned ten minutes later, their faces pale.
“He wants to talk to you,” Trace said, his eyes refusing to meet mine.
/> My stomach rolled with nausea once more.
“I’ll be right back,” I told Tristan, lifting him off my lap. He went scampering up to Trace, asking him a bunch of questions. “Tristan,” I warned, “leave Uncle Trace alone right now. He’s upset. Maybe you could give him a hug and make him feel better?” I suggested, knowing Tristan would like it if I gave him a task to perform.
Tristan nodded, wrapping his arms around Trace’s legs. Trace reached down and picked him up, and his cries pained me.