“Oh, no one here.” Chad laughs at that. “No, no, no. Nope. I couldn’t risk anyone finding out. Shit, can you imagine? Fuckin’ nightmare. I’d never hear the end of it. I meet guys out in Fairview. Or the clubs halfway to Brookfield where no one knows me.”
I frown. “Sounds like you’re terrified for anyone to find out.”
“I ain’t terrified. I’m …” He clears his throat. “Listen, I’ve seen what ‘coming out’ did for Billy, for Tanner, for Cody and Trey … Hell, even Tanner’s brother had a whole thing. I want none of that. I ain’t gonna be just ‘the next juicy thing’ for the Spruce gossips. I want my life to be mine, know what I mean?”
I think he just glossed over something big to do with Tanner’s brother that I know nothing about, but I let it go in favor of the more important point Chad’s making. I am very tempted to make a case for him proudly living out his truth, of not hiding, of not being ashamed of who he is. But then I give it a moment’s thought. I mean, I grew up in this town. I know what it’s like. “Actually … I think I do get it.”
“Do ya?”
“The fashion world sure isn’t a small town like Spruce, but … there are some striking similarities. Fashion is like a small town of its own with its weird quirks and mouthy gossips … except it spans the world. And it’s full of rumors. It’s full of opinions. Sometimes, it can make you feel like you’re king or queen of the universe. Other times … it can crush you. I sometimes wish …” Too many criticisms and snotty voices flood my mind at once. If I’m being honest with myself, the clothing industry is as sharp and deadly as a razor blade. I’m not confident I’m as cut out for it as I always tell myself I am. “I sometimes wish I … wasn’t a part of it anymore.”
Chad sputters. “What? What do you mean?”
“Maybe a part of me was happier before I headed into fashion, when all my dreams were just imaginative sketches on paper. Maybe the real world is too … real.” I shrug. “What I’m saying is, maybe I really do understand your choice in not coming out. Why deal with the stresses of small-town gossip and prying when you don’t have to? I mean, it’s your choice in the end.”
“Nah, man.” He shakes his head disapprovingly. “No, no. That ain’t right. The hell you talkin’ about, Goodwin? No. I ain’t gonna let you quit your dreams just ‘cause you got some bad seeds out there in Cali-fuckin’-fornia. The world’s gonna be a bit ‘too real’ no matter what you do in life. You’re gonna find bad seeds and rotten apples everywhere.” He slaps a hand to his chest. “Don’t let my whole whiny thing about why I ain’t comin’ out in a place like Spruce change your whole thing.”
“It’s something I’ve thought about for a while actually. It isn’t just what we’re talking about. I think I need …” Do I hear my bed springs creaking in the back of my mind? Why did I let Salvador and Richie stay in my apartment? What was I thinking? “… a change.”
“What kind of change?”
“I don’t know.”
We turn another corner. The lights of the parking lot loom ahead. A couple of women are walking out to their cars, their laughter and chatting echoing towards us.
“So no one knows, huh?” I ask quietly as we make our way across the lot to his truck.
“I already told you. No one in that cafeteria knows.” His eyes dart across the lot toward the women.
“Right.” I watch the distant women too as they reach their cars, parked side by side. They laugh loudly about something, then get in their vehicles and crank their engines. “No one.”
We come to a stop in front of his truck, where he tosses his mesh bag through the window, then faces me. “No one but you.”
I glance at him.
His eyes are like two blue skies with a dark storm cloud of caution passing over them. He’s sucking on his own tongue contemplatively as he stares my way.
I nod, understanding the burden. I’ve kept a few secrets in my life—and my career. “You and I just took off and dicked around in the high school hallways, reminiscing on ‘the good ol’ days’. That’s where we’ve been this whole time.”
“Reminiscing,” Chad agrees, nodding slowly.
“We weren’t doing anything else but that.”
“Nothin’ else.” His eyes drop to my lips.
I swallow. A big part of me is actively denying that anything actually did happen, as if I blacked out and dreamed the whole past hour. I think I’m, in some significant way, still in shock.
It’s so tough to look into Chad’s eyes.