“Then why did you?” Hammer pressed.
“Please. Let me finish.” Her voice cracked.
“All right.” Hammer nodded. “But be prepared, Raine. We have some things to say as well.”
“I’m sure you do.” She gave the man a faintly wry smile.
Whatever weighed on her mind was heavy. If her every expression and gesture hadn’t made that clear, her unusual lack of sarcasm and sass did.
“Liam…” She clung to him with her hypnotic eyes, making him want to crawl deep inside her. But she’d walked out on him so easily, and he couldn’t push the strangling hurt aside. “You tried so hard to make me understand that you loved me and wanted me to grow. What I’ve done to you is beyond unfair. I’m more sorry that I can tell you.” She teared up. Regret twisted her face. “I hope someday you’ll be able to forgive me, but I don’t expect you to.”
“I tried everything I could think of to reach you.” He sighed heavily. “But I was out of options.”
“I know. The last few days, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I know I have to change. I can’t ever be happy if I keep pushing everyone away. I have to learn how to say what I’m thinking and feeling. I have to stop twisting the truth to avoid something uncomfortable.” She drew in a shuddering breath. “And I have to learn to believe that not everyone will hurt me. I don’t have any illusions. That won’t be quick or easy. I’m not even sure it’s possible. But I need to try.”
Even as she looked at him with sorrow in her eyes, her speech blew him away. Liam didn’t think he’d ever heard her be that honest. But her fluttering hands and downturned gaze made it clear that something more lurked in her head.
Liam turned and looked at Hammer. Frustration rolled off his old friend. He knew what Macen was feeling, as he was mired in it himself.
“So…I have a favor to ask,” she went on. “I know I’ve done nothing to deserve your compassion, but I’m asking if one of you would suggest a Domme who might be willing to help me learn.”
Liam felt his jaw drop. A Domme? What the bloody hell was she thinking?
“What?” Hammer growled, a look of disbelief etched on his face.
“I’m standing right in front of you, Raine. And you want some woman—a bloody stranger—instead?” Liam didn’t bother masking his shock or anger. “I’ve been trying to teach you for the past fucking month! I told you if you were willing to do the work that I’d be here for you.”
“I am more than aware of everything you did to help me, Liam. I wish I’d been able to appreciate it more. And maybe someday…” She shook her head. “But right now, I have to fix me before I can be worthy enough to wear your collar, much less actually devote myself to you in the way you deserve.” Her voice shook.
Hearing that Raine thought she wasn’t deserving of him broke his heart.
“Please don’t be angry,” she begged.
Angry didn’t begin to cover it. He understood her need to bury the old Raine and resurrect a new one, but her choice to shut him out was unacceptable. “Damn it, Raine—”
“I’m not done yet. I want to come home because Shadows is familiar. If I’m going to get out of my comfort zone in every other way, I don’t want to be out of my element, too. I can’t afford to make learning any harder.” She shrugged. “Maybe it would be easier to trust a female. It’s something I’ve never tried and…I’m willing to do almost anything to be whole.”
Except learn to open herself up and submit to him. His jaw clenched.
“I’m asking for your help. I’m pleading for mercy.”
Liam held in a curse. She’d barely given him a hello before she asked for someone else to guide her. Torn between pride that she’d returned to do the work and the devastation to his ego, Liam didn’t know whether to wrap her in his arms or take her over his knee.
Didn’t Raine understand that she was the kind of woman who would only kneel happily for a man she loved? She might find some ease in learning to be more open and honest with others, but she’d never find fulfillment.
“A bloody female Dominant? That’s not mercy. That’s ridiculous.” He cast a stupefied glance at Hammer. The man’s expression conveyed the same disbelief.
“Never going to fucking happen,” Hammer confirmed. “Did you dream up this idea because you think Liam and I won’t be jealous?”
“Well…yes,” she admitted.
So Raine meant to sacrifice her chance to truly surrender so he and his old friend wouldn’t fight anymore. Obviously, she didn’t realize that it didn’t matter who else touched her. He wanted her for his own. And he knew Hammer felt the same.