But truth be told, I really didn’t want to go anywhere or see anybody. Well, there was one person. I bet she hated me even more after the shitty homecoming. She regretted every minute of her life she’d wasted pining for me.
I’d spent ten years thinking only of her, then I’d tried to banish her from my mind, only to have it fill right back up again with Ellison the minute I wasn’t consciously kicking her out of my head.
She was the only person who had the right to hate me. My El. But like she said last night: we were only eighteen and now she was a woman of almost thirty—oh yeah, and I killed somebody.
I’d kill him again in a heartbeat, I thought as I dialed the old number to my house in South Vale hoping Fox hadn’t gotten rid of the landline.
“You piece of shit, you! What the fuck is up? Where the hell are you?”
I could hear the joy in Fox’s voice and it brought tears to my eyes.
“Fucking crack hotel out on route 8. Cavelli broke my jaw and I spent half the night in the ER. Couldn’t drive home with all the pain meds.”
“Get your ass over here. Ellie is coming later to cook out in the backyard.”
His tone was light and I felt like I had a ship’s anchor in my gut.
“You and Ellison are close, huh?”
“You told me to look after her Cal, and I gave you my word. I don’t expect thank you’s, but some respect wouldn’t hurt.”
“Be there in thirty,” I told my brother and then hung up the phone. No way the shower could be worse than DesMax. At least it would be me alone with the soap and not ten other guys.
I figured the chances of Ellie forgiving me were little to none. I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want it. I pushed her away because I loved her, I thought I was doing the best thing for her. Without me, she could have a nice life, go to college, make friends, and be happy. I didn’t want her spending ten years of her life waiting for an ex con loser. For what? To get out and have absolutely nothing to offer her. She deserved better than that. Perhaps that was why I’d been standing against the Harley for the twenty minutes looking at Fox’s newly sided house, too chickenshit to face the music.
The house looked good, in addition to new siding, Fox had redone the porch and the landscaping. I bet the real reason for the improvement was that the members from the club didn’t hang out there anymore.
What I would have given for that to have happened during my childhood instead of now. I could hear music in the backyard and the scent of BBQ was thick in the air. I wasn’t sure what they were celebrating, if this was normal for Fox, because it sure as hell wasn’t normal when we were kids.
When I finally managed to pick my balls off the ground, I walked up to the back yard and saw my brother standing in front of the BBQ like some sort of domesticated guy-next-door. He looked good, different, better. Nothing like the delinquent I’d left behind ten years ago. He’d visited me a few times up in DesMax but it was always awkward as fuck. Part of it was that Fox was mad I’d killed Dad, the other part was that he was mad he didn’t do it himself. The shitty visits were my fault too, I resented him. He was out here living his life while I was rotting in a six by ten cell.
“Hey, brother,” I said.
Fox looked up and squinted, then a warm smile spread, first on his face and then through his whole body. He walked toward me with his arms outstretched and I almost broke down crying.
“Get over here you fool.” Fox wrapped me in his arms and I felt like that was the moment I truly arrived home. “You look like shit, Cal. What the hell? Were they trying to make you unrecognizable?”
I ran my fingers over my jaw. I’d already forgotten about the beatdown I had last night.
“Shit. I owed them a run for protection and I managed to botch that up. I saw El over at the club and I lost my mind, I guess.”
“Calvin, Ellie is here now. Try to keep chill for everyone’s sake.”
Fox hugged me again and it helped calm my soul. We really weren’t much of a hugger family, especially not the men, but Fox’s affection felt healing and God knew I needed it.
“It’s so good to see you. Fuck, I missed you, bro. Want a beer?”
Before I could answer, Fox went over to the cooler and grabbed a beer and tossed it to me.