I rolled over in my cot that hung on the opposite side of the cell from my two bunk mates and tried to turn off the part of my brain that was conditioned to love Elle.
She’s gone.
You’re here.
It’s over.
Let her go.
I told myself over and over until it lulled me into a dark and deep sleep.
Chapter 31
ELLISON
Three long months had passed since I spoke with Calvin at the police station. I didn’t sit through the trial, especially because my dad was called to testify for the prosecution. However, I was at the courthouse during his sentencing. He’d been given a deal for a reduced sentence, as the judge took into account the years of abuse the family had suffered at Monty’s hands. Aggravated manslaughter, ten years minimum in maximum security prison. The notorious DesMax.
I tried talking to him, before he was remanded upstate, but every time I went to visit, he turned me away. All the letters I mailed were sent back to me unopened, even Christmas and Birthday cards I’d handmade and sent him. Calvin had completely extricated me from his life and didn’t look back—not even to see if I was all right, and I was nearing my second trimester.
My mother had doubled up on my therapy sessions afraid that in my emotional state, I’d start cutting again. If I was going to be honest, I really wanted to, the need to see the blood and alleviate the stress was as strong as it was when Adler died, but now I had more motivation not to do it.
A gentle tap sounded before my mom stuck her head in the door.
“You hungry sweetie?”
“Please leave me alone.”
She didn’t listen, because she was a good mom.
The bed squeaked as Mom sat down. “Ellie, you can’t keep living like this.”
“I don’t even want to live anymore.”
She burst into tears.
“Please don’t ever say that again.”
It was a shitty thing to say, insensitive in the least. My mom had already lost her only son and I now carried her only grandchild. But it was how I felt. Calvin had abandoned me and my life felt so empty right now.
My mother laid down beside me and pulled me into her, her familiar, safe arms circling me like when I was a child.
“Baby, I know it hurts right now. The one thing I can promise you is it will hurt a little less every day, but Ellie, you have so much to live for. You will have new adventures, new loves, and a beautiful world to share with this baby. Heartache will come and go, but you have to get through it. You might have to fight to get through, Ellison, but you’ve fought and won this battle before. Fight for me, fight for your dad, but most of all fight for you and the little one growing inside you.”
I started to cry in my mother’s arms. I was stronger than this. I didn’t have to accept defeat. I let the pain wash over me and knew I had to be done with it once and for all. If Calvin could move on, so could I. I’d do it for this child who needed me to be happy and strong. Even though I felt as if my heart had shattered, I wouldn’t trade one second I’d shared with Calvin for the entire world.
“I’m not ready to tell Dad. I don’t want to have any more of a reason to hate Calvin.”
“Pretty soon, he’s going to be able to tell himself, without you having to say anything.”
Ten years later…
Chapter 32
CALVIN
When you’re about to be released after ten years of being locked up, everything around you seems intensified. Some inmates and correctional officers were happy for you, and others who had to stay and rot were angry that you’re getting out instead of them. But I’d done my time, and it wasn’t behavior or connections that assured my release, I’d served my whole sentence.
Ten fucking years.
When I first got here, I was a punk kid, scared, clueless, and ready to jump anyone who looked at me the wrong way. I wasn’t sent to a juvenile detention center, which might have been a stepping stone. Instead, I was just eighteen and surrounded by hardened criminals twice my age, with rap sheets dating back to before I was alive. I had to make moves quickly, so I did. It wasn’t hard to make alliances, after all, I might have killed my father, but I was still a Montgomery.
“Gonna be sad to see you go, brother!” Tiny slapped me on the back, not so gently.
Tiny was six eight and close to four hundred pounds. A pretty jovial guy, he was liked by everyone, and easy to get along with, but if you crossed him, you’d better run. He didn’t play around and was deadly when he needed to be. He’d known my father on the outside and had even worked with him a few times. But Monty burned Tiny once, and like the elephant he was, he never forgot a dirty job. So, when he found out what I was in for, he immediately felt kindred to me.