She squeezed her eyes shut, wanting desperately to believe her own fantasy. She took a deep, shaking breath. "Please, God, make him stay. Please . . . "
Then she knocked.
There was no answer.
Steeling herself, she opened the door. What she saw hit her like a slap to the face.
She gasped quietly and stumbled backward, clutching the doorframe for support.
Her stupid, little-girl fantasy crashed down around her.
Mad Dog was kneeling in the corner, stuffing the last of his things in the white duck bag. He yanked the bag closed and stood up, slowly turning around.
She tried to smile. "Surprise. " The word sounded small and pathetic and painful.
Exactly like she felt.
He sighed. The half-filled bag slid from his hand and hit the floor with a thud.
"Mariah . . . "
She clasped her shaking hands together, trying not to be hurt by the gentle, loving way he said her name. "Were you going to say good-bye?"
He looked up at her then, and in his eyes she saw her own pain, mirrored and magnified. It tore at her heart with tiny, shredding claws. She started to shake. "I dont know. "
She felt a blinding wave of regret. Her hands balled at her sides. "I shouldnt have asked you to stay. "
He winced. "Im glad you did. And I wish . . . " He J looked away. "Jesus, I wish I could say yes. " "But you cant. "
"No, I cant. " He picked up the bag and slung it ov< his shoulder, walking slowly toward her.
She stared at him, trying to memorize everythin about him. The crooked tilt of a smile that wasnt thei the shining laughter in eyes that now looked glazi with pain. She wanted to touch him, hold him, cling his knees if she had to. Anything to make him stay. Bi she couldnt move, couldnt speak.
"Im not the man for you, Mariah. " The hushed whisper of his voice slid along her throat like a caress. "You deserve someone wholl promise to love you forever, and will keep that promise. A man wholl work these fields from sunup to sundown and never complain. A man . . . who doesnt mind the picket fence. "
She gazed up at him, knowing her eyes glittered with all the aching, desperate love in her heart, and unable to change it. "Maybe . . . with you . . . "
He shook his head, and the gentleness of the action made her feel almost sick.
"Only you can make yourself leave this farm, and youre not ready, are you?"
She looked away.
"Its nothing to be ashamed of, Mariah. " He moved closer, brushed a lock of hair from her tear-dampened cheek. She couldnt help herself, she leaned into his touch, seeking the warmth of it. "Its part of what makes you so special. You never let go, never forget, never say good-bye. But . . . I dont want that from a woman. I want good-byes. "
She let out her breath and pulled away from him. Her whole body sagged at the finality of his words. "I know that, Matt. I guess Ive always known it. "
"I never lied to you. "
She squeezed her eyes shut. Even now, when he was breaking her heart, she couldnt help loving him, wanting him.
"That doesnt help much," she answered.
"I left you my articles. Theyre all I have. "
She swallowed hard, fighting a surge of bitterness. That should keep me warm at night. "
He touched her chin and forced her to look up at him. Reluctantly she opened her eyes.