I thought talking about my dad would answer my questions, but all it did was make more. I kept remembering that carving in the tree. I know how he felt when he did it, so It’s like I know a part of him now and it makes me want more.
I tried to hide it from Cissy. The next time we got together was Tuesday while Mom was giving an equitation clinic and Aunt Winona and Mark were gone to Seattle. Cissy and I spent the day on a big blanket in her back yard. I tried to pretend that everything was the same as before, but she knew something was wrong. I guess love gives you Xray vision or something. I was just sitting there, drinking my rootbeer when she said I know you’re keeping a secret from me and I don’t like it.
I told her she wouldn’t like the secret, either, and she said if we really loved each other we wouldn’t have any secrets.
I do love you I said.
Prove it.
I could have made up something else, maybe told her that I might not pass Language Arts or some other bullshit, but the truth was I wanted to tell her. I’m afraid, I said.
Of what?
I told her she wouldn’t like me anymore once she knew the truth, but I knew that school was starting in ten days anyway, so I might as well tell her. Brian and Erik Jr. and the rest of them would do it for me.
She said she didn’t like me, she loved me and nothing I said could change that.
So I told her everything, how my dad was Dallas Raintree, half Native American and half white, how he came to town looking for work and found a job at Water’s Edge, and how he married Mom even though no one wanted him in the family. I told her about his temper and all the fights he got into. And I told her he killed a woman and went to prison for it. When I was done I couldn’t even look at her. It was the longest I’d ever talked about my dad and I felt sick.
She moved closer to me on the blanket and tried to get me to look at her, but I couldn’t do it. I just stared out at the canal as if I’d never seen it before. She reached over for my shoulder and pulled me down to the blanket so that we were lying down, facing each other.
I know all that, she said. My dad told me everything a long time ago. Did you know my gran testified against your dad?
It’s weird how a word can surprise you sometimes. I’ve thought about my dad in prison all my life. I’ve imagined what he looks like and how he lives behind bars and what he thinks about me, but until Cissy said that thing about her grandmother, I never once thought about how he got to prison. How they proved he was guilty.
Do you think he did it? she asked.
I didn’t know how to answer that. How could I? He’s like this ghost to me. When I tried to remember real things there was almost nothing—a dirty pair of cowboy boots, a white hat I used to play with, a voice saying something in a language I didn’t understand.
You should go see him, she said.
That’s when we came up with The Plan.
On the last day of the fair, Vivi Ann cleaned up the barn and told her 4-H girls goodbye, and then walked down the grassy hill toward the glittering midway.
Aurora was at the ticket booth, waiting for her. “You’re late.”
“The girls just left. And we said four o’clock. I practically made it.” She snagged a chunk of pink cotton candy from her sister and popped it in her mouth.
“Winona better not bail on us,” Aurora said, putting one hand on her slim hip.
“She’s in love. We all bail when love comes along.”
Aurora frowned at her. “What’s wrong with you? You seem happy.”
“And that’s wrong? I’ve had a good week. Noah and I finally talked about Dallas. It felt good.”
“Where is the little delinquent, off smoking crack?”
“Why, is Janie back in town?”
Aurora smiled grudgingly. “I’m glad you talked about it, and I’m glad you’re happy, but where is that bitch sister of ours?”
“There,” Vivi Ann said, watching Winona and Mark come toward them.
“She brought a date? To girls’ night? That is such a low blow,” Aurora said, throwing the rest of her cotton candy in the trash.
“Thank God,” Winona said, breathing hard as she came to a stop in front of them. “I’ve been calling you for an hour, Vivi.”