I’m only two years older than him, but I grew up taking care of him as if he were my own child. I cleaned the house and made sure he had everything he needed. We made dinner time into a game of who could come up with the most creative combination of canned goods. We’d add stale goldfish to a tuna noodle casserole or garlic to buttered noodles and call it gourmet. It wasn’t until after our mom left that I realized we were the definition of poverty.
My only priority was to get Johnny out of this life. I repeated it like a mantra. When the world was crumbling around me I focused all of my attention on him, getting him through this part of our lives.
Once we grew up this was all supposed to end.
And then we grew up. Dad’s still a miserable alcoholic and Johnny is too close to following in his footsteps.
I felt like a disappointment.
I ushered my clearly high and heavily bruised brother into my apartment, The word failure echoed through my head.
I’m the only person he has, and I still can’t help him pull his life together.
But I also can’t help but be mad at him for getting me into this mess.
“You never called me back,” I tell him, leading him to the couch.
“I’m sorry Annie.” his voice is sad, pleading.
I face him. “I just wanted to know you were okay.” I take in his appearance. His face has some old yellow bruises lingering, his body looks skinnier, and he’s babying his right arm, holding it tightly against his chest.
“What did they do to you?”
“You don’t want to know.” He tells me, sinking deeper into my sofa.
I rub the aching muscles at the back of my neck. “Probably not.” I agree, if he tells me how badly Frank beat him up there's a chance I’ll take it out on Gio and that won’t help either of us.
“I’m okay.” He adds.
“You’re alive.?
??
“Yeah,” he stifles a laugh.
“How’s Rob?”
“He pissed himself.” Johnny smiles at the memory, “But he’s fine.”
I frown. “That’s awful.”
“It could have been worse.” we sit in silence for a moment before his gaze reaches back up to me. “I should thank you, ya know. For saving me. He was going to kill me.”
I fold my arms across my chest. “It was a bad plan.”
“It worked.” he shrugs.
“Barely.” I purse my lips.
“But it did.” He leans forward placing his elbows onto his knees. He uses his hands to hold his head. He looks like a kid. Like the baby brother I raised. “Annie,” he begins, his tone serious. “You just got an in to the fucking mob. Do you realize that? We’re set for life.”
He’s happy with himself. Proud even. His matching blue eyes meet mine with a look of delight.
Anger floods my body, red glossing over my eyes. “Is that really what you think happened?”
This man. My baby brother. Is a fucking idiot.
“Johnny, they could have killed us! And he’s using me for a job, if I fuck up we could still lose our lives. Do you understand that?”