She blanched. “Everything’s fine. Can we just get this over with?”
He kept that watchful dark gaze on her. Then handed her the glass of wine.
She wrapped her fingers around the stem. The glass shook in her hand.
“Lil—” His eyes moved from her shaking fingers to her face.
“I’m fine,” she murmured. “You—you start.”
He exhaled harshly, the nostrils of his perfectly straight Roman nose flaring.
“What happened the night of the fashion show? Why were you so afraid to do it?”
She blinked. She had not expected that to be his first question. “You know I’ve never been comfortable in that type of setting. I told you that when we first started dating.”
“But you got over it. You thrived on it.”
“I hated every minute of it. I trained myself to do it so I wouldn’t let you down.”
Confusion flickered in his eyes. “Why? Why would a woman like you have confidence issues? You had the position, the wealth, the looks to back you. Why would you feel inferior?”
She gave a twisted smile. “I come from a town of two thousand, five hundred people, Riccardo. I will always feel small-town, no matter how you dress me up or how many places you take me or how many etiquette rules you teach me.” She shook her head. “You swept me up into this glamorous life I had no coping skills for, tossed me into the deep end and expected me to swim.”
He frowned. “But you never said anything. To me—you were just fine.”
Her shoulders stiffened. “I was doing what I had to do. That was my job. My role as Lilly De Campo.”
He exhaled heavily. “No one would ever have known you felt that way.”
Her lips twisted in a bitter smile. “I became extraordinarily good at faking it. And why not? I faked my way through our entire marriage.”
His gaze sharpened on her face, a dangerous glint firing in its dark depths. “I think you’d better explain that.”
“I never wanted that life, Riccardo. I told you that when you knocked me off my feet in that bar in SoHo. But you wouldn’t listen...you kept pushing until I said yes.”
“We were in love with each other,” he growled.
“We were infatuated with each other,” she corrected. “There was still time to recognize how wrong it was for me. How self-destructive all the attention and criticism was.”
“How so?”
She set her wine down on the railing and pushed her hair behind her ears. “I’ve never been secure in the way I look. It’s always been a tough one for me. But as your wife I couldn’t put on five pounds without the tabloids noticing and pouncing on me.”
“I told you. Stop reading them.”
“That’s overly simplistic. They were everywhere. I couldn’t avoid them all.”
His brows drew together. “But where does it come from, then, this insecurity about your looks? Beyond what the tabloids say?”
She turned away from his penetrating barrage of questions. But her therapist’s words haunted her, refused to let her back away. “Above all be honest, Lilly. Be honest with yourself and those around you.”
She took a deep breath. “I was very unhappy as a teenager. My parents’ marriage was a mess for a long time. The farm wasn’t doing well and the stress of having no money was getting to them. The kids—we had no life. We spent all our time helping out on the farm. We barely had time for schoolwork, let alone social lives.”
“I knew you weren’t happy at home and that’s why you left,” he said quietly. “But I didn’t know it was that bad.”
She nodded. “My parents’ fights would dissolve into screaming matches. Plates would fly and my mother would threaten to leave. My dad had an affair with the farmer’s wife down the road.” She hugged her arms around herself and looked up at him. “It was a disaster. A huge mess.”
There was a pregnant silence. His face paled. Yes, she thought viciously. That’s why what you did hurt so much.
She kept going, afraid that if she stopped she’d never tell him the truth. “David seemed immune to it all. Lisbeth was too young to know what was happening. Alex dealt with it by getting into trouble—running with the wrong crowd. I internalized it. I thought if I could control everything about my life beyond them, beyond what was happening at home, I’d be okay.”
Her mouth felt wooden, her lips thick, and the desire to stop talking was so strong it was hard to make herself form the words. “My big thing was food. I hated the way I looked so I controlled everything I put in my mouth.” She swallowed hard. “To the point where I was hardly eating.”
His eyes darkened with an emotion she couldn’t read. “But you can’t ever have been fat. Why in the world would you hate yourself so much?”
“I was a ‘chunky, healthy, solid-boned farmgirl,’ as my mother would say,” she said with a derisive smile. “And I hated it. No one wanted to date me. No one wanted to be with me.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I bloomed. Came into myself. You met me not long after that.”
He frowned. “So why is it still so bad? I’ve seen men lust after you, Lilly. You know they do. That must give you some confidence.”
“Yes.” She turned back to look at the brilliant sunset staining the sky now, the giant ball of orange and red sinking into the horizon. She swallowed past the hard, round mass in her throat that felt as if it was choking her, as if revealing her shameful secret might bring her to her knees. “But not before I developed anorexia.”
There was a long silence. He scraped his hand over his jaw and stared at her. “I had no idea.”
She made a face. “It’s not something you drop into casual conversation, like the fact I had a dog named Honey when I was little.”
“Dio, Lilly.” He stepped forward and took her by the shoulders. “That’s not what I’m talking about. This is key to who you are. Essential information I need to know about you. I would never have put you through any of this if I’d known that.”
She lifted her chin. “I didn’t want you to know.”
“Why?” He threw up his hands. “Because for once I might see who the real Lilly De Campo is?”
“No, I—”
“Lilly, we’ve been as intimate as two people can be. We’ve spent hours devouring each other. Yet you still can’t tell me these profound truths about yourself? No wonder we’re messed up.”
She shook her head and took a step back. “Sex and intimacy are two different things.”
“They most certainly are,” he agreed tightly. “And the minute you turned into the Ice Queen and froze me out any intimacy we had was blown to bits.”
She winced. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was trying to protect myself. My anorexia was my deep, dark secret. It was the thing no one knew about me in my new life. The thing I never wanted anyone to know about me. Most of all you.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw. “Why?”
She pressed her lips together. “You’re a perfect human being, Riccardo. Everything about you is so damn perfect that everyone wants you, everyone admires you. I’ve never felt I could live up to it. Be that woman who’s worthy of you.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
She stamped her foot. “It’s how I feel, dammit. Everything—everything about my life with you was about keeping up appearances. Making sure we were that Golden Couple. And the balance I’d tried so hard to inject into my life in order to stay healthy went out the window. How could it not when I was constantly in the spotlight? Constantly being judged?”
He raked his hand through his hair. “I wish you’d told me so I could have helped you.”
Her heart throbbed in her chest. “I didn’t want to add myself to your list of issues. You had enough going on with De Campo business.”
He shook his head. “Did I ever put any pressure on you about your weight?”
“You never reassured me.”
“I always told you how gorgeous you looked.”
“Yes, but when I said things like, ‘I feel fat,’ to get some reassurance from you, you told me to go to the gym.”
“That’s because that’s what I do when I feel like that. I work out, get the tension out, and I feel better about myself. Hell, Lilly...” He was staring at her as if she was a creature from another planet. “Has there ever been any doubt about how much I love your body?”
Her gaze skipped away from his. “I’ve put on weight since we were together.”
“And that scene the other night wasn’t enough to convince you I like the changes?”
“Why wasn’t I enough, then?” She yelled the words at him, her control snapping. “If you think I’m beautiful, if I’m enough for you, then why did you have to have an affair with Chelsea Tate?”