“All those dates you kept going on. That wasn’t because of a dating app,” he murmured, and I nodded.
“Those men were all clients.”
Casey looked away. “I feel like I don’t know you at all. It’s like I’m having this totally bizarre conversation with a complete stranger.”
“It’s so hard to talk about this with you. I knew you and Eden wouldn’t approve, and—”
“Of course we wouldn’t approve! How could you think so little of yourself that you’d do something like this? And all the lies—that’s not like you, Seth. Is there more to this story? Are you using drugs? Is that why you needed the money?”
“No! Jesus, Casey, this is why I didn’t tell you. Of course I’m not on drugs, and I wasn’t ‘thinking so little of myself.’ There’s nothing wrong with being a prostitute!”
“Yes, there is!”
“According to who, exactly, mainstream society? They love to judge anyone whose sexuality falls outside the tiny margin they deem acceptable. Or our parents? They always treated sex like it was something dirty and shameful. They acted like it was okay for making babies and nothing else, but where did that leave you and me as gay men? Or our church? They blackballed us after we came out, so why should they have a say in how I live my life?”
He asked, “Are you somehow equating being gay with prostitution?”
“Of course not! I’m just saying, the people who’d judge me for being a sex worker are generally the same ones who turned on us when we came out. So, why the hell should I listen to anything they have to say? Owning my sexuality and doing what I want with my body isn’t bad, wrong, or shameful. It’s just not.”
“If you weren’t ashamed of being a prostitute, then why’d you hide it from me?”
“Because I didn’t think I could make you understand,” I said. “I was afraid you and Eden would judge me for it and push me away. For the record, I didn’t keep it a secret from everyone. All my local friends know what I do for a living, and they still accept me. But I didn’t want to lose you, Casey.”
“Damn it, Seth.” My brother grabbed me in an embrace and murmured, “You’ll never lose me. Don’t you know that?”
After a moment, he let go of me and I said, “I need to tell you something else. I’m moving back to St. Louis.”
“Why?”
“It’s complicated.” There was no way I could add being in love with Eden and needing to get over him to this already overloaded conversation.
“When are you going?”
“Tomorrow morning. Eden’s driving me.”
He muttered, “I’m so confused right now.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. This was a lot to dump on you at once.”
“I’ll go with you guys on the drive,” he said, “but can you hold off for a few days? I don’t think I can get time off that soon.”
“I can’t wait. And actually, I need this to just be Eden and me.”
“Why?”
“He’s really angry, and we need that time to repair our friendship. Otherwise, I don’t think we’ll ever be able to move past this.”
Casey dragged a hand over his forehead and pushed his hair back. “This is all so sudden! And why St. Louis? You were happy to move away from there, just like I was.”
“The familiarity, I guess. I don’t want to be here right now, and I just don’t have it in me to start over in a new place where I don’t know anyone.”
“Do you think you’ll ever come back here?”
“Yeah, I do. I’m going to miss you like crazy, and I’ve made some good friends in San Francisco. But right now, I just need some time away. A few months, maybe? Or a year? I’m really not sure.” Since I didn’t tell him I needed that time to get over Eden, this must seem so random to him.
A long pause stretched between us. I could tell he was trying to process everything I’d told him. Finally, I got up and said, “I guess I should start packing.”
“Is there any way I can talk you out of this?” When I shook my head, he got up too and sighed. Then he said, “In that case, I guess all I can do is help you pack.”
“That’s okay. I’ve got it.” As we went inside, I asked, “Is George home?”
“No. He’s spending the night with his new lady friend again and said he probably won’t be home until tomorrow afternoon.”
“I guess I’ll have to leave him a note, then.”
I was going to miss George too, and I started to get sad, but I reminded myself what I’d just told Casey—this wasn’t permanent. At some point in the future when this had blown over, and I had enough money for my own place, and most importantly, when I’d finally gotten my feelings for my brother’s best friend under control, I could come back here.