I covered his hand with mine. "Why won't you believe me?" I asked. "Why won't you believe that there's nothing to forgive? You didn't do anything wrong."
"Sweetheart," Luca said gently. "I think that's just going to be one of those things that we’ll have to agree to disagree on."
I didn't like the idea of him having that guilt hanging over his head for the rest of his days, but when I opened my mouth to say as much, he silenced me with a kiss… another gentle, sweet one. It was mind-blowing to know that it didn't matter if his kisses were chaste or all-consuming—they slayed me either way.
"Tell me why you left," Luca said. His body was still pressed to mine, but he put some inches between our faces, presumably so he could look me in the eye.
"Because I'm a coward," I admitted. I could see he was about to protest, so I quickly continued. "I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch that woman fall in love with Violet, even though it's what I wanted. What kind of an asshole does that? I don't want her for myself, but I didn't want that woman to have her? And you… the sooner Violet leaves, the sooner you leave too. If we're being honest, there was really no reason for me to stay with you as long as I did. Playing house with you was too easy." I knew my words sounded pathetic even as I said them, so I added, "Besides, I had a life I needed to get back to. A job, friends."
"You mean the job you quit?" Luca asked. I felt my cheeks heat at the question. How the hell had he found that out?
"I—" I began to say, but then lost the words. I had no explanation, at least not one I wanted to share with him.
"And as far as I know, Aleks is your only friend, and even he didn't know where you were."
This time the accusation in Luca’s voice was unmistakable. I didn't blame him. It was one thing to run away, it was another thing entirely to lie to his face. Since I didn't know what else to say, I kept quiet. I certainly couldn’t tell him that I'd made the decision that it was time for me to move on from Seattle altogether.
"Fine," Luca said. He still had ahold of me with one hand and had moved his other so it was caressing my hip. "Let's table that particular conversation for now."
Thank God, I thought to myself. But that only lasted as long as it took for him to ask his next question.
"Would you like to explain to me why you’ve been going to the hospital every night for the past week so you could visit my son?"
Chapter Twenty
Luca
Even as my raging body demanded I take Remy's mouth again, I managed to ignore the command. But I didn't release Remy from my hold and I didn't ease up with how I was pressed against him. Bottom line was that it just felt too good, especially after a week of going crazy with worry for the young man.
I'd spent endless hours scouring downtown Seattle in an effort to find Remy. I'd even gone back to that terrible warehouse known as The Palace. There'd been no Remy, but I'd seen the kid I'd given the money to when Remy and I had been looking for Violet. The teenager hadn't recognized me, probably because he'd been high as a kite and in the midst of being fucked by two guys at once. I'd intervened in the hopes that stopping the degrading encounter would somehow wake the kid up, but he'd merely offered to let me join in for what he’d called a reasonable price.
It'd been like Remy had said. I couldn't save that kid because he wasn't ready to be saved. Even if I'd offered him a house, enough money to live off of for the next ten years, and a host of other amenities to make his life easier, he still would've chosen the drugs. I’d once again left him my business card in the hopes that maybe someday he'd call me and say he was ready. Then I'd continued my search for Remy. But he'd been nowhere, and the pimp named Taz, who hadn't exactly been thrilled to see me, had said he hadn't seen Remy since the day we'd gone looking for Violet.
After that, I'd spent most of my days sitting outside Remy's apartment, but there'd been no sign of him. My brothers had helped in the search, but with no digital footprint to track after Remy had withdrawn his money from a bank near the state border, we'd all been at a standstill. I'd tried to accept the possibility that he'd left the state and that I might never see him again, but every time I'd considered it, I'd dismissed it just as quickly. I hadn't been ready to admit that I’d lost the young man a second time.