I forced myself to release his wrist. I held my breath in the hopes that I was wrong and he wouldn’t walk out that door, but he didn’t make me hold it for long because within two seconds of me finishing the admission that had cost me everything, Jude turned his back on me and walked away.
Chapter 26
Jude
There had been a time that I’d dreamed of owning an estate like Rose Manor, but now it just felt like a luxuriously appointed prison. No amount of walking along the endless rocky shoreline or winding my way through the immaculately kept gardens changed that.
But I doubted anything would.
I was already a prisoner of my own mind and not in the way I’d spent most of my life.
You’re it, just as you are. You’re my future. The question is, am I yours?
Nikolai hadn’t meant it, of course. He’d been caught up in the moment. Hell, he’d probably been trying to save the contract his boss so desperately wanted. And based on the endless texts he’d been sending me over the past week, he wasn’t giving up on garnering the business of Clifton Hayes just yet.
I love you, Jude.
Miss you.
Please baby, just let me know you’re okay.
I’d finally given up on carrying my phone around a couple of days earlier and when it had run out of battery, I hadn’t recharged it. When I’d gotten close to charging it just to see if Nikolai had sent me any more messages, I’d thrown the damn thing in the garbage.
It hadn’t made any difference. My every thought was tied to Nikolai. I missed him more than I wanted to admit, but I knew it was more the idea of him that I missed, not the man himself. I had no one but myself to blame for falling so neatly back into the habits of my childhood. I’d been so desperate to find someone who didn’t care that sometimes I forgot things or that I easily got distracted or that being organized didn’t come naturally to me that I’d allowed myself to see things in Nikolai that weren’t there.
I still couldn’t believe I’d let it get as far as it had.
Or that I’d gotten so close to letting it continue. Nikolai had seemed so sincere when he’d said he loved me that I’d nearly given in to it, to him. If Cliff’s men hadn’t been there, I most certainly wouldn’t have been able to walk away. Part of me had wanted to keep believing the lie because life had just been so much better since Nikolai.
Because of Nikolai.
I shook my head even though there was no one around to see it. No one except Cliff’s men, of course. But they had a habit of staying out of sight.
Not like Nikolai who’d always been right there to make sure I was safe. Despite the fact that I was currently sitting on a deserted beach with no one in sight for miles, Nikolai would undoubtedly be right next to me if he were there.
He’d lean into me until our bodies were practically touching. If I wanted to press against him because the ocean breeze was just a bit too cool, he’d undoubtedly let me. His strong arms would wrap around me and he’d find some way to run his fingers over my skin in one of his uniquely Nikolai moves.
Lies, the voice in my head reminded me.
I love you, Jude. Forever. And not the kind of forever that all those assholes supposedly promised you when you were a kid. The kind that’s real. The kind that doesn’t change. The kind that isn’t fucking convenient. I love you. No apologies, no fucking consolation prizes if it doesn’t work out because that’s not an option for me.
“Fuck,” I whispered to myself as I climbed to my feet. I turned my back on the rough water and made my way back to the house. It was closing in on dinner time, but I had no desire to eat.
Just like I had no desire to work.
Or sleep.
Or exercise.
Nikolai had stolen all that from me. My body, my heart wanted only one thing and it was the one thing I couldn’t have.
Unless I was willing to live a lie.
Which I just couldn’t do.
I’d spent my entire life trying to make people love me for real and it hadn’t worked. I’d twisted myself into every version of the Jude they thought I should be and yet here I was, still alone. I had to read the writing on the wall… some people just didn’t get their happily ever after.
Instead of heading straight to the house, I made my way to the gardens instead. I tried to take pleasure in the array of colors and smells as I walked past the endless rows of flowers, but they might as well have all been rotted and dying. I finally gave up on finding any kind of distraction outdoors and headed toward the side entrance. A motion off to my right where the greenhouse was caught my attention. I moved closer and saw that Cliff was inside the sizeable structure. I hadn’t talked much to him about why I’d suddenly called him up the night I’d learned the truth about Nikolai. I’d simply asked him to come get me and just like that, he’d sent his men for me. Since I rarely ever asked Cliff for anything, I felt like I was taking advantage of his hospitality, but I also knew I needed to let him know about a decision I’d made.