He squeezed my fingers, but didn’t say anything for a moment. He released my hand so he could sift his fingers lovingly through Sage’s hair. He pushed it off Sage’s face and then stroked his cheek. “I knew after the first time he talked to you on the phone that you were different. He couldn’t stop smiling when he hung up. Said you called him on his bullshit. He loved that.”
I smiled at that because I remembered my first conversation with Sage. He’d flirted outrageously with me. If we’d been chatting via video, he would have been able to see how I’d been blushing and how much I’d really loved every moment of it.
I hadn’t known he’d been in a relationship at the time, though.
“It didn’t bother you?” I asked. “Him flirting? Even if it didn’t really mean anything?”
Cash shook his head. “At the time, I’d accepted that what he and I had was a temporary thing. Part of me had even hoped for it.”
“I don’t understand,” I said in confusion. “You love him.”
Cash smiled sadly. “I do. I love him enough to wish for him to have a normal relationship. I love him enough to give him up to someone who can give him more than I can. I want that for him – I want him to not have to give up control just so he can feel in control. But I’ve come to realize his need is like mine. It’s part of who we are. I need the control he’s willing to give me as badly as he needs to give it to me.”
I didn’t ask him why he needed it, because I already knew. He’d spent his entire childhood trying to control the outcome of the chaotic lives his parents lived.
But he hadn’t managed it. No matter what he’d done, despite everything he’d sacrificed to give them what they’d needed, he’d lost them anyway.
It was a dynamic that never would have worked with different partners, but Fate had intervened and brought these two men together.
But where did that leave me?
Where did I fit into all this?
Did I even want to fit?
“When I realized that Sage’s feelings for you were getting stronger, I started to accept the fact that I might lose him. But then I met you at the wedding and I just… I wasn’t expecting it,” he admitted.
It.
I knew what it was.
I’d felt it too.
The second he’d said my name and then took my hand in his.
It had been so much more than the instant physical attraction. But I hadn’t been able to put my finger on it. I hadn’t understood the connection I had with him.
With both men.
I’d thought it was just a physical thing, and certainly the events of that night in their motel room had supported that.
But there’d been more too.
I was certain of it.
“I felt it too,” I admitted.
Cash held my gaze and nodded. “I thought I pushed you too hard in the room that night.”
I was surprised at the uncertainty in his voice. It was so uncharacteristic for him… but it was also a reminder that there was more to him than the solid strength he exuded on the outside. I’d seen his vulnerability tonight when he’d told Sage he was a good boy. I was seeing it now every time he looked at his lover.
Sometimes I even sensed it when he was looking at me a certain way.
Like he was now.
I shook my head. “I knew I was intruding, but I saw how beautiful you two were together. The way he looked at you when you… when you told him what to do. He looked so free and at peace. I wanted…”
“You wanted to know what that was like,” Cash suggested.
I nodded. On the one hand, I was beyond embarrassed, but something about talking to Cash was easy. Maybe because I knew he’d be the least likely to judge me.
“Then you looked at me and I felt it everywhere.” I shook my head. “I guess I needed it too.”
“Needed what?”
“To give up control for a little while,” I admitted. “To know I could and that it would be safe with you… with both of you.”
Cash smiled. “We make for an interesting trio, don’t we?” he asked.
The levity helped ease some of the heaviness of the evening. I looked down at Sage and felt some of the same peace he did. “Cash,” I asked softly.
“Yeah?”
“Can I stay here tonight? In here,” I clarified as I looked up at him. “With you guys… just to sleep.”
His answer came in the form of a nod.
I knew what I was doing was crazy and would just complicate the hell out of things, but I also knew it was what I wanted. I couldn’t even imagine trying to go back to the emptiness of my own bed right now.