What the hell was I doing? Was I seriously considering becoming involved with another man?
Frustration coursed through me as I tried to make sense of what my body wanted but my mind was clearly struggling to accept.
What I needed was someone to talk to. Maybe getting it out in the open would help me clear my head about the whole thing. My immediate thought was Colton, but I hesitated as I remembered what Dante had said about him. I hadn’t noticed anything off about Colton, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to share something so intimately personal with someone who might possibly be hiding something from me. Not to mention that Colton was a good ‘ole Texas boy, like Jeff. I doubted he’d have an open mind about the whole thing.
I knew who I needed to talk to, but the timing wasn’t great. But I was pretty damn desperate because I wasn’t sure what would happen if I didn’t figure this shit out. I was on more even footing with Dante, but one wrong move and we’d be right back where we’d been. And my physical attraction to him aside, I was coming to think of him as a friend and I didn’t want to fuck that up.
Decision made, I reached for my phone and pulled up the text app.
Sorry to bother you, but I need to talk to you about something. Not Matty – he’s fine. No rush.
I hit send and put the phone down. It would be hours before my message would even be seen, so I tried to focus on the TV. But within a few seconds, my phone was ringing. I smiled when I saw Hawke’s name pop up.
“I told you not to rush,” I said when I answered the phone. “Isn’t it like five in the morning there?”
Hawke chuckled. “No idea…let’s just say Tate and I haven’t paid much attention to anything outside our room. The world could have ended and we wouldn’t know it.”
I smiled to myself.
“We’re hoping to do some exploring today,” Hawke continued. “But who knows…we said the same thing yesterday.”
I felt a pang of envy go through me. What would that feel like? To be so consumed by another person that nothing else besides them existed?
“What’s going on? Everything okay?” Hawke asked.
I hesitated as the realization of what I was about to admit to really hit me. It was quickly followed by fear.
“I shouldn’t have bothered you on your honeymoon,” I said softly. “It can wait till you get back.”
There were several beats of silence on the other end of the phone before Hawke said, “You remember what you asked me the day of the wedding…just before the ceremony?”
I nodded even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “I asked if I could walk with you down the aisle.”
It had been my way of showing Hawke what he and Tate meant to me…beyond just being incredible parents to my grandson. They were my family, pure and simple. They knew it. I knew it.
“Talk to me, Magnus,” Hawke said gently.
I got up and turned off the TV before heading towards the stairs. The things I needed to say were better done in the safety of my bedroom. As soon as the door clicked shut behind me, I began talking.
* * *
My fingers were shaking so bad as I reached for the doorknob, I actually needed to step back from my bedroom door to try and get a hold of myself. I’d escaped to my room with the excuse of needing to use the bathroom, but what I’d really needed to do was escape the dozen or so people downstairs for just a few minutes. I knew I was supposed to be playing host to the people who’d come to mourn my daughter’s passing, but all their well-wishes and kind comments about how much Jenna would be missed were making me want to hit something. Not because any of the people in attendance were being disrespectful or anything – I just couldn’t get past the fact that they really hadn’t known my child and they would forget her after this day. They’d walk out my front door and back to their lives and Jenna wouldn’t be anything but a distant memory to them. With the exception of Rachel, they wouldn’t fight to keep Jenna’s memory alive. They weren’t the ones wishing with every fiber of their being that she’d walk through that front door any moment now and say it had all been some colossal mistake and she was just fine.
Fuck. I just needed to get this over with.
I opened the door and was immediately greeted with the low murmurs of the people downstairs. I fiddled with my tie as I forced myself to walk down the stairs. I was immediately greeted with sad smiles, but I ignored them and began searching for Dante.