I hadn’t wanted to touch him anymore. Part of me hadn’t even wanted him to stay. But the second he’d tried to physically withdraw from me and put more distance between us, I’d snagged him around the waist and pulled him back against me. I hadn’t been able to force myself to loosen my hold on him until I’d felt his fingers link with mine where they were pressed against his chest. He’d fallen asleep minutes later and I’d done exactly what I’d told myself I wouldn’t. I’d touched him.
Endlessly.
With my lips, with our joined hands, with my other hand…I hadn’t been able to control the urge to constantly feel his warm, soft skin – to prove to myself he was really there.
And I’d obsessed over the fact that part of me still lingered deep inside Eli’s body. That I’d become a part of him that he could never escape.
Not once had I ever fucked a man without a condom.
Not once.
The implications were almost too much for me to handle. From the moment I’d opened the door last night to see Eli standing on the other side, his expression pained and desperate and a reflection of what I’d been struggling with myself in the three days since I’d last seen him, I’d pretended all the reasons I should send him away didn’t exist and I’d let him in. I hadn’t been lying when I’d told Eli that I’d tried to leave Seattle. The second I’d gotten on my Harley every morning, I’d felt a rush of relief go through me. But it had only lasted mere minutes and as I’d put the city skyline behind me, the knot of anxiety had begun to build and build until I could focus on nothing but the need to get back to Eli. I’d purposefully not checked in with Ronan about who was watching Eli and if they’d seen anything suspicious. And when Daisy had called me yesterday morning to talk to me about the progress she was making with cleaning up Caleb’s voicemail, I’d told her to talk to Ronan and had hung up on her before she could question me. I’d both dreaded and hoped that Eli would reach out to me and I’d hated myself for it. Because it put me right back on the reservation with my grandfather. I was once again a confused, lonely, desperate kid trying to figure out how to make a man look at him with something other than disdain in his eyes.
I felt Eli’s fingers begin trailing back and forth along my arm where I was holding him. His fingers stopped on the abrasion on my forearm and I felt his head tilt so he could look at the place where his teeth had marked me. I’d been out of control when I’d been fucking Eli a few short hours ago. There was just no way else to describe it. Feeling the heat of his welcoming body surrounding my naked flesh had just been too much. Add in the knowledge that I’d be branding him as mine and I hadn’t stood a chance in hell of keeping myself separate from him. I’d needed everything from him as I’d made our bodies one. Every touch, every whispered plea…I’d been desperate to make sure he’d held nothing back from me as I’d shown him the rightness of our being together. And then I’d filled him and it still hadn’t been enough.
Eli gently caressed the abrasion for a minute and then he was carefully pulling free of my hold. I released him and expected him to look at me, but he didn’t. He sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed and stared out the window for a long time before finally standing up. I couldn’t take my eyes from his beautiful body as he walked to the window and pushed back the curtains enough to look outside. He stood there for a while before taking a deep breath and turning back in my direction. His eyes connected with mine, but he didn’t speak. Disappointment flooded my gut as I watched him begin to collect his clothes. Once he was fully dressed, I waited for him to walk out of the room. I wasn’t sure if he was going to even say goodbye as he left, but as much as I wanted to curl up on my side and close my eyes so I wouldn’t have to watch him go, I forced myself to keep looking at him.
No way in hell was I going to let him see that I felt like my insides were being torn apart.
But once Eli had dragged his socks on, he didn’t reach for his shoes. Instead he kept his gaze on me as he walked to my side of the bed and sat down. I held my breath as he reached out to skim his fingers across my cheek. Then he leaned down and brushed his mouth over mine in a chaste kiss.