How was that even possible?
I didn’t even realize Hawke was still in the garage until he tapped on my window. I swallowed hard and rolled the window down.
“Everything okay?” Hawke asked.
“Yeah,” I said quickly as I started the car. “Thanks.” Even to my own ears, my voice sounded unnaturally scratchy and uneven.
I hated how the man seemed to be able to look through me, so I quickly rolled my window up, gave him a brief wave and a smile that I had no doubt he could see through and backed the car out of its spot. It was a monumental effort to keep my attention on the road for the short drive home that was made longer because of the evening rush hour traffic. I forced myself to think about other things like needing to find a job for the rest of the summer so I could have as much money saved up before school started in the fall, but it was a wasted effort because my thoughts kept going back to Mav and the way he’d looked at me when I’d handed him the motorcycle helmet.
He’d looked so…hurt.
Which hadn’t made sense, so I was sure I’d seen something that wasn’t there. Only I couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d somehow seen my need to escape his presence as a rejection of sorts.
My phone going off was a momentary distraction and I felt my gut clench as I searched it out. A mix of relief and disappointment went through me when I saw the name Dom appear on the screen. I knew I needed to answer it, but even as I let my thumb hover over the answer button, I couldn’t make myself press it. I suspected he was calling to invite me to dinner this weekend and based on what Brennan had told me the day I’d been assaulted, it was likely the welcome home party that Dom and Logan were trying to put together for me.
I knew I couldn’t keep putting him off, but the idea of spending an extended amount of time with Dom, Logan and the rest of what once had been my surrogate family left me cold. If they knew what I’d done…
The shame was like hot coals searing my insides and I actually felt a wave of nausea roll through me. I opened the windows in hopes of taking in enough air to stave off the impending panic attack. If I could just get home before it hit, Baby would be there to ease me out of it. My frequent panic attacks right after Dom had taken me off the streets were the reason he’d gifted me with the big dog. Because the security I couldn’t find in another person’s arms, I could easily find in my dog.
Except there had been one set of arms that had made the pain in my chest recede, that had made the air rush back into my starved lungs…
I remembered the words Mav had whispered in my ear as his big arms had held me close and his broad chest had blanketed my back. I hadn’t understood a word he’d said since he’d been speaking a different language, but just the sound of his deep voice in my ear had given me something to concentrate on and I’d focused on how right it had felt to have our bodies perfectly aligned rather than the terror that came with feeling like I couldn’t breathe.
The pressure that had slowly been building in my chest began to ease and I let my mind wander to all the many times Mav had touched me, both a few days ago and the day of the assault. Except for that moment in the garage when I’d reverted back to my old ways, I hadn’t felt dirty when Mav had touched me. I hadn’t wanted him to stop. I hadn’t obsessed over saying or doing something to inadvertently turn him on. Even after he’d admitted that he knew I’d sold myself for money, I hadn’t sensed the disgust that he should have felt.
And yet I’d still run from him.
I shook my head and tightened my fingers on the steering wheel. It didn’t matter. It would have been foolish to pursue something with the man, even friendship. Because just like with Dom, Logan and the rest of my family, he’d be disgusted if he found out the truth.
But those thoughts lasted about as long as it took for me to form them because at that exact moment I was pulling onto my street and there was no way to miss Mav leaning negligently against a car that was parked right in front of my apartment.
I barely managed to take my eyes off of him long enough to get my car parked behind his and get out of it, grabbing Matty’s Spiderman doll as I did. And when he began walking towards me, I had to fist my hands to keep them from shaking. I resisted the urge to throw my arms around him and instead crossed my arms in front of me, tucking my hands under my armpits as best as I could with the doll clutched in one of them. “Hi.”