Which was exactly why I needed to get a grip. Because while my heart was doing crazy ass flips in my chest at the memory of Hawke’s hand on my neck and his fingers wrapped around mine, I needed to remember that last night was a mistake. Hawke hadn’t wanted me, not really. Even if by some chance he was bisexual, it didn’t mean he wanted to be with me…at least not in the way I needed. I was a means to an end for Hawke, nothing more, and last night had only been about him needing release. If we were lucky enough to find Buck and Denny and Hawke did what he needed to do, I doubted it would really change anything for him. I’d seen the proof for myself.
That single chair in his house facing the picture.
I couldn’t compete with that. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. Loving someone that much...
I shook my head and focused on the road in front of me. I wasn’t ready for this. I never would be. Even the lure of not having to worry about Buck and Denny finding me and Matty someday wasn’t enough to ease my fear.
“Hey.”
I turned to see Hawke watching me, his eyes heavy with exhaustion. “It’s going to be okay,” he said softly and I held my breath when he reached out to gently pull my right hand free of the steering wheel that I’d been gripping so hard the skin over my knuckles had gone white.
I nodded and held my breath as he linked our fingers together. He stared at our joined hands where they were resting on the armrest and I waited for him to pull away. But he didn’t. He merely closed his eyes again and when I went to shift my hand into a more comfortable position, he tightened his grip on me, refusing to let me go.
I couldn’t help but smile.
Yeah, I was fucked. Totally and completely.
* * *
Hawke woke up the second I slowed the truck down several hours later to stop for gas. I missed the warmth of his hand when he released me and straightened in his seat.
“It’s ten more miles to Lulling,” I said. “Can you take over?” I asked.
He nodded. “You okay?”
No.
“Yeah.”
Hawke tilted his head at me knowingly and I chuckled. “Okay, no,” I admitted. “But I will be,” I said as I met his probing gaze. He nodded and got out of the truck. I got out and went to the passenger side and searched out my phone so I could call Ronan. I’d already talked to Matty twice today, but I needed to hear his voice one more time.
“Hey Tate, how’s it going?” Ronan asked as soon as he answered.
“Good,” I said, though I knew I hadn’t managed to keep the shakiness out of my voice because Ronan was quiet for a long moment before he responded.
“Everything okay?”
“Um, yeah,” I said. “We’re just about to drive into Lulling and I…I…”
When I couldn’t finish the sentence, Ronan said, “Hold on, okay?”
I nodded even though I knew it was stupid since Ronan couldn’t see me. I sucked in several deep breaths to try to keep my tears at bay.
“Daddy?”
A knot of emotion got stuck in my throat at the sound of Matty’s voice, but before I could answer him, my phone switched to video and I saw Matty’s smiling face. “Hi Daddy!” Matty said with a huge grin.
“Hi, buddy,” I managed to grate out.
“Daddy, look,” Matty said and then he was turning the camera’s view and I laughed at the sight that greeted me. Both Seth and Ronan were sitting in full costume next to Matty’s hospital bed. Seth was dressed as Spiderman and Ronan was covered from head to toe in a green muscle suit. He was holding a Hulk mask in his hand. I started laughing and when Hawke got into the truck a second later, I handed the phone to him. He smiled and I heard the phone click as he pushed a couple of buttons.
“You better not have just taken a picture!” I heard Ronan call out as the image on the phone changed back to Matty. Hawke shifted in his seat so Matty could see both of us.
“It’s costume day,” Matty announced and then the image wobbled for a moment and I could tell either Ronan and Seth was now holding the phone so we could see all of Matty. I’d expected to see him dressed as Iron Man or Captain America, but he wasn’t.
He was Hawkeye.
I shifted my gaze to Hawke whose eyes had warmed over with emotion. “You look great, Matty,” Hawke said, though his voice was hoarse. He shot me a quick glance and I felt my heart clench at what I saw. Not pain, not anguish…happiness. Genuine happiness.