“I’m sorry,” he whispered with a shake of his head. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
As much as I would have liked to tell him he hadn’t, he would have known I was lying. There was just no way to deny the rough fucking had been painful, so I told him the truth.
“I don’t regret it.”
His eyes shifted to mine and he finally nodded. “I didn’t use a condom,” he said softly. “I got tested in the military a long time ago and I was negative,” he managed to get out, but then he dropped his eyes once again. “I haven’t been with anyone since Revay. She was the only one I’ve ever been with.”
The admission had me struggling to find words.
“Even after she was gone, she was the only one I ever really wanted,” Hawke continued, his words so quiet I could barely hear them.
“You don’t owe me any explanations,” I finally said, still stunned at what he was telling me. “I tested negative a couple of years ago and haven’t been with anyone since then.”
Hawke nodded and stood up. He turned to climb into his bed and I couldn’t get past how different he seemed. Gone was the confidence, the hardness. Instead, he seemed…broken. I waited until he was under the covers before I stood up and turned off the light on his side of the nightstand. Just as I turned to collect my clothes so I could change, I heard him speak again.
“She’s my wife, Tate.”
Present tense, not past.
A knot formed in my throat at the need in his voice. “I understand, Hawke,” I whispered, hoping my words would ease him in some way. And in that moment, I lost a little bit of my heart to the beautiful brooding man who’d loved his wife so much that even ten years after he’d lost her, he refused to let her go.
Chapter Eleven
Hawke
“Can you pull over at the next rest stop?”
The sound of Tate’s quiet, wary voice jerked me from my daze and I glanced at him, but immediately regretted it because another round of shame flooded my entire system followed by a hearty bout of desire as I remembered the feel of his tight body surrounding me in unfathomable heat.
“Yeah,” I murmured and forced my eyes back to the road.
We’d only been on the road for a couple of hours, but it was more words than we’d spoken to each other from the moment we’d both woken up when the alarm clock on my phone had gone off. Of course, I hadn’t actually been asleep. In fact, I hadn’t been able to find even a few minutes of solace in the darkness of sleep last night after Tate had turned the lights off.
I’d fucked another guy.
I’d betrayed my wife.
I’d hurt Tate.
Under other circumstances, I probably could have dealt with the first one, but I was too caught up in the second and third to even contemplate what the whole thing meant in terms of my sexuality.
Something inside of me had snapped when I’d seen Tate holding Revay’s picture. I’d spent the entire day fighting my growing need for Tate as he’d sat quietly next to me in the car and in that moment, it had all come back in a rush along with a heavy dose of guilt and I’d turned my combined sexual frustration and emotional anguish on Tate. And instead of shoving me away, he’d let me in.
I’d already jerked off in the shower to visions of Tate bent over in front of me, but my already half-hard dick had swelled to painful proportions when I’d seen the permission in Tate’s gaze and I’d known that nothing would stop me from taking what he’d been offering. I’d had no control after that.
Absolutely none.
Not even enough to try to find something to use as makeshift lube. My mind had been screaming at me that using spit to ease my entry into Tate’s body wouldn’t work, but I hadn’t cared. My need had been too great and once Tate’s body had engulfed my aching flesh, I’d been a goner and it had been sheer force of will that had given me the strength to stop when the shame of what I’d done had hit me. And then Tate had looked at me and he’d known what I was going through. One nod granting me permission and I’d unleased everything I had on him and had rutted into him like an animal.
And he hadn’t uttered even a single protest.
Revay and I had tried anal sex once early on in our relationship, but it wasn’t something she’d enjoyed and I’d known it had been uncomfortable for her even with generous amounts of lube. So I had no doubt how much pain my actions had inflicted on Tate. And even if I hadn’t known, I wouldn’t have been able to miss the stiffness in Tate’s gait this morning as he’d gotten ready to go. The only good thing, if there could be such a thing, was that I’d been so consumed with lust that I’d come within less than a minute and a dozen strokes.