“I need to go and get Cole’s father. He needs to be here in case…”
In case Cole didn’t make it.
I managed a nod even though the idea of facing Cole’s father and admitting I’d failed both his children made me want to throw up.
“Jonas, I’m so fucking scared,” he whispered suddenly. His admission and the pain behind his words had my eyes filling with tears.
“Me too,” I managed to say.
“I need to know that if the worst happens, that I won’t lose you.”
I swallowed hard. I couldn’t fathom a life with Mace that didn’t include Cole. But I also couldn’t stomach a life without Mace either.
“If you still want me after all this is over…”
Mace leaned in to kiss me and whispered, “I will always want you, but that isn’t what I meant. I can’t lose you to yourself.”
I dropped my eyes because I understood what he was asking and I couldn’t promise that.
“I need you whole, Jonas.”
I flinched as my own words were flung back at me. He wanted for me what I’d wanted for him. He needed me to forgive myself. And I knew that no matter what happened to Cole, he would want that for me to. Because they both loved me even when I couldn’t love myself.
I nodded and then forced my eyes up. I didn’t know if I could manage it but I owed it to him and Cole to try. I owed it to myself.
“You won’t,” I said firmly. “Go get Cole’s dad.”
Mace smiled and then he was dragging me into his arms. “Love you,” he whispered against my ear as he clung to me. We held onto each other like that for a while and then he said, “Come meet my folks.”
* * *
Mace was able to see Cole for a few minutes before he had to leave for the airport to catch his flight to New Haven. We’d known that Cole wouldn’t be able to talk to us but the sight of him lying in the hospital bed, still as death, his pale skin almost as white as the thin blanket that covered him, was frightening. But nothing scared me more than the sight of the ventilator. Somehow the idea of knowing Cole couldn’t breathe on his own scared me even more than all the blood that had poured from his body.
Mace had kissed me gently before he left and then he’d leaned over Cole and whispered something into his ear before kissing him on the forehead. That had been almost four hours ago. The nursing staff had brought Mace and me some chairs to sit in, and I’d drawn mine up as close to the bed as I could get it, and then covered Cole’s hand with one of mine while I let my eyes settle on the up and down motions of his chest. The whooshing sound of the ventilator was strangely soothing and I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep until a hand settled on my shoulder.
“Cole?” I said hoarsely as my eyes flew to his face only to see he was still out.
“Sorry,” Ronan murmured as he settled in the chair next to me. “I got you a latte from the coffee shop downstairs,” he said. “They wouldn’t let me bring it in here so I left it out at the nurse’s station for you if you want to take a break.”
I shook my head tiredly. “Did you help them find me?” I asked after I settled my hand back over Cole’s.
“Yeah. They called me from a resort a few miles from the farmhouse. They weren’t sure if you’d left with a certain destination in mind or just left,” Ronan said.
I looked over at him in surprise. Had Mace and Cole really thought I’d left them because I didn’t want to be with them?
“I kind of figured it was the former so I had one of my guys hack the airlines’ databases until they found you. Once we realized you were in Chicago, I figured I’d tag along to make sure they didn’t get themselves into too much trouble getting you back. They aren’t the most…diplomatic when it comes to you,” Ronan said with a slight smile.
“How did you know what to do to help Cole?”
The smile disappeared and Ronan actually dropped his eyes to his hands. He began tapping the pads of his fingers together one by one. The nervous gesture seemed so out of place for such a brash, confident man.
“I used to be a trauma surgeon,” he finally admitted.
The answer surprised me and I wanted to ask how he’d gone from saving lives to taking them, but I doubted he’d answer me.
“Thank you for what you did,” I said. “He wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t stepped in,” I said softly and I placed one of my hands over his still jittery ones. He froze at the contact but didn’t jerk away from me like I would have expected. But he clearly didn’t like to be touched so I withdrew my hand.