“He used you, Mace! He used your grief and turned it into something cruel and ugly. Because the man I’ve come to know and love doesn’t enjoy going around killing people! If he’d cared for you even a little, he would have helped you find a way to live with your loss instead of exploiting it!”
I hadn’t missed Jonas’s indirect admission of love but I couldn’t focus on it so I said, “Jonas, I knew what I was signing up for-”
“How could you? You were so filled with hate and anger and pain that you couldn’t have known what it would do to you.”
I felt my whole body go tight at Jonas’s words. He couldn’t know the toll my work had taken on me over the years. He couldn’t know the same darkness that had consumed me after Evan’s death had started to bleed back into me little by little with each life I took.
But he grabbed my face and said, “I get it, Mace. You wanted to protect kids like Evan and you did it the only way you knew how. But you’re not like that monster who took Evan from you. You don’t take pleasure in taking a life…any life!”
“I need you to be safe,” I whispered.
“And I need you to be whole.”
I closed my eyes to try and get my bearings but all I saw was the red laser sight bouncing on Jonas’s chest as we’d stood in the gallery. If I’d been looking somewhere else or if my reflexes had been even a millisecond slower…
I steeled myself as I opened my eyes. I closed my hand over one of Jonas’s wrists where he continued to gently cup my face. “I love you too much not to do this,” I finally said.
Jonas’s face fell and he dropped his hands. “And I love you too much to let you.” With that, Jonas left the kitchen and I heard his footsteps retreat up the stairs.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Cole
I only half listened as Mace and Ronan discussed the plans for finding Eduardo. While I was glad to finally have a name to go with the threat against Jonas, I couldn’t help but wish the three of us could stay in our little bubble for a little while longer.
I knew I was in love with both men. I’d suspected it when Mace and I made love to Jonas and I’d known for sure the second I saw the unknown car driving up the driveway. Mace had been doing a perimeter check and I’d been torn between checking on him and making sure Jonas was safe. I’d managed to do both but it was my fear that had made me realize that what I felt for Mace and Jonas went beyond attraction, beyond just being thrown together by highly charged circumstances.
For every mission I’d ever been on in my eleven-year career in the Navy, I’d never once let my emotions control anything I did in the field. The moniker of Ice Man had been borne of my complete and total focus, decisiveness and self-control. But they were the same qualities that now eluded me as I considered the pain and hurt Jonas and Mace were inflicting upon each other. As devastated as I was at the prospect of my sister’s murderer going free, I was more worried about the impact it was having on Jonas and what would happen if Mace followed through on his plan to kill Eduardo and Mateo.
Because I knew deep down that Jonas was right. You never walked away unscathed after you ended a man’s life. Never. It didn’t matter who the man was.
As I got up from the kitchen table, Mace gently grabbed my wrist to stop me from leaving. I saw the unspoken question in his eyes and I nodded. We were okay.
“I’m just going to take Jonas the phone so he can call Casey.”
Mace nodded but he held my hand for a second longer before releasing me. I grabbed the burner phone off the counter and went upstairs. I expected to find Jonas in the small bedroom that he’d spent the first night in but he wasn’t there. He was in our bedroom.
Ours.
God, I needed that in my life. I needed to share everything with Mace and Jonas. I didn’t want to ever go back to it being just me. And as much as I loved each man individually, I needed it to be all three of us. I knew logistically it would be a challenge for the three of us to build a life together. People would pass judgement on us and even the most open minded ones would question how three men could have what we did. And if by some miracle I managed to get my father back to a lucid state, I wasn’t sure he would accept my men. Hell, I didn’t even know how he’d react to me being with even one man. My parents had always been accepting of homosexuals and had supported their fight to be treated as equals, but it was different when it was your own son.