As much as I enjoyed watching the happy-go-lucky Jonas who blossomed in the presence of his family, I started feeling the pang of my own loss as the evening went on, and I ended up excusing myself shortly after dinner on the pretense of checking my messages. I found my way to the back of the house and went to stand out on the massive deck that stretched the length of most of the back of the house. The salty ocean air felt good against my skin and I started walking towards the beach to explore a bit when I heard a horse whinny. I glanced to my right and saw a small barn with several large paddocks around it. A gray horse stood in the paddock closest to the barn. I could tell there were two other animals in the enclosure but I wasn’t sure what they were so I began walking that direction. It wasn’t until I reached the fence that I realized they were donkeys. Both came up to greet me at the fence but the horse stayed where it was, its dark eyes fixed on me.
“That’s Jack.”
I turned to see Jonas walking towards me and I felt a ripple of desire go through me. Jonas’s lean body nearly touched mine as he stood next to me and draped his arms over the fence. “And this is Judy and Dot,” he added as he began petting the donkeys. “You guys hungry?” he asked the docile animals as they began sniffing his hands expectantly. “What do you say, big guy?” he said to Jack. “Dinnertime?”
I followed Jonas into the barn and watched as he went to a bin at the end of the aisle and began scooping grain from it. “You mind opening the doors?” Jonas asked as he motioned to the doors at the back of each stall that presumably led out into the paddock that the horse and donkeys were in. I did as he asked and then watched as he finished feeding the donkeys which had each entered a stall. Jack was the only one that remained in the paddock even though I’d opened his door. I leaned against the outer stall door and watched Jonas as he stood by the inner door and began talking softly to Jack. It took a couple of minutes but the horse finally entered the stall. But instead of eating, it stood tentatively before Jonas for several long seconds before it finally stepped forward and pressed its head against his chest. I didn’t say anything as I watched Jonas’s fingers ghost over the horse’s face. He soothed the animal for several minutes before leading it to the bucket where the grain was waiting. I was surprised to see him wiping at his eyes when he exited the stall and closed the door.
“Sorry,” he said with a little laugh. “I still haven’t gotten used to it.”
“What?” I asked gently. I hadn’t even realized I’d moved closer to him until I felt his body bump mine as he turned to latch the door.
“He never used to let me touch him,” Jonas said, motioning to the horse. “Casey was the only one who could handle him and even that took months of her gaining his trust after he arrived at the shelter.”
“Shelter?”
“Um, yeah. After we left Chicago, Casey and I ended up working at this animal shelter in a small town in northern Wisconsin. The old lady who ran it let us live there for free in exchange for helping her out with the stuff she couldn’t do anymore. She left it to us when she died…well, Casey technically, since I was underage.”
Jonas studied the horse for a moment. “She never used to let me touch her either,” he suddenly whispered.
“Casey?” I guessed.
Jonas nodded and then looked at me, his eyes glistening. “After everything that happened, I never really believed I’d get here, you know? You stop hoping after a while because it’s easier that way.”
“What is?”
But Jonas just shook his head. “I’m sorry she didn’t get this, Cole.”
The words hurt, but it hurt more to see Jonas in so much pain. I wanted…no, needed to take that from him, once and for all, but I didn’t know how. I lifted my hand to palm his cheek and said, “You knew her, Jonas. Would she have wanted you to keep blaming yourself?”
Jonas shook his head but when silent tears began slipping down his face, I shifted my hand to the back of his neck and drew him forward until his face was pressed against my neck. I felt the moisture seep into my shirt collar, and before I could stop myself, I shifted my head enough so that I could skim my lips over the sensitive skin just behind his ear. “She’s at peace, Jonas. You deserve to be too.”