Bracing myself, I headed back into the kitchen. I found Derek already back at work. He looked up at me from the counter.
“Hey,” he said. “Everything alright? You rushed out of here on that phone call pretty fast.”
He didn’t realize he had just given me the perfect out. I forced myself to look calm, like everything was under control and perfectly okay even though inside I knew it wasn’t at all.
“Actually, I need to go. My parents need me,” I said.
I felt guilty about lying, but I didn’t feel like there was any other option. We still had time before the opening. There were a few more weeks to do the rest of the preparation, and I would push myself to work even harder to make sure any time I lost was made up for above before the restaurant opened to guests. But for right then, I needed some time.
Derek looked at me with an expression that didn’t seem quite convinced. I couldn’t tell if he believed me or not, but he didn’t argue. He gave a single nod.
“That’s fine,” he said. “I hope everything’s alright.”
That was an introduction. It was an encouragement for me to open up to him. But I didn’t. I just thanked him, gathered my things, and left as quickly as I could.
I stopped by the grocery store on my way home to stock up on the foods and drinks that actually sounded good. The list was fairly short, but I wanted to make sure I had what I needed and could hunker down for as long as I wanted to. When I got home, I crawled into bed.
I lay there for a little while before pulling out my phone and sending a text to Holly asking her to call me as soon as she could. I barely got my phone onto my side table before the tears came.
Just as I thought they would, those first few tears ushered in a deluge. I sobbed into my pillow, letting out all the emotions, even the ones I couldn’t identify. It took a while for me to calm down, and I didn’t try to force myself to settle any faster. I deserved these tears. They were well warranted, and by the time they slowed down and stopped, I felt almost cleansed. The shock and the fear were still there, but I felt more in control. I knew it was time to do some honest, deep thinking about the situation. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t put it aside and decide I would come back to it later. No matter how early I was in my pregnancy, I couldn’t put off facing it and figuring out what I was going to do.
And then I needed to talk to my parents. They were more or less a cover-up when I was in the kitchen with Derek. Using them as an excuse just popped into my mind when he mentioned the phone call. But now I realized I actually needed to have a serious conversation with them about what was going on.
Children had never been in my plans. That was something I told my mother and father when I was young. I didn’t long to have a baby. I didn’t dream about being a mother. I had big plans for my life, and those just weren’t part of it. But now, those plans would need to change.
When Holly finally called me back, I had dragged myself out of bed long enough to go to the kitchen to make myself tea.
“Did you tell him?” she asked as soon as I answered the phone.
“I guess you could say that.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, sounding worried. “What happened?”
“He heard me talking to you,” I said. “Earlier when I told you, apparently he was walking past the courtyard and overheard me.”
“Oh, no.”
“That was a gentler version of my reaction, but yes,” I said. “’Oh no’ just about sums it up.”
“So, I guess he didn’t take it well?”
“I don’t know if I can even say he took it at all,” I said. “He told me he heard me and asked if it was true. I told him it was, and then he just stared at me. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t ask if I was sure or for confirmation that it was really his. Nothing. He just stared at me, then turned and walked away.”
“He just left?” Holly asked.
“Yep,” I said, pouring tea into my mug and following it up with a heavy dose of honey. “Is honey safe for pregnant women?”
“What?”
“Honey,” I said. “I know I’ve heard something about honey and babies. Am I not supposed to be eating it?”
“I don’t know. Hold on.” There were muffled sounds of her typing on her computer before she came back. “Babies under a year old aren’t supposed to eat honey because of botulism. You should be safe.”