As kisses go, it was terrible. He bruised my lips and mashed everything against my teeth…but it's the effort that counts. He was facing a dark, dangerous moment in his life—his own damn mother is trying to kill him—and he wanted to kiss me before running off to battle. Another fragmented memory drifts through my head, of old movies with knights who wanted their lady's favor tied to their lance before facing the enemy. Is that what this was?
Does he…like me? Or does he just like fucking with me? I'm not sure what to think.
The ship seems to be slowing down in its wild tossing. Thank god for that, because my stomach can't handle much more. I've poked around in the room and the strange device on the wall looks like some sort of water and tablet dispenser. Don't know what that's about, but I feel a bit like a gerbil in a cage. The quiet stillness brings with it a new set of worries, though. Is the ship still because we've been boarded? Is the enemy racing through the halls and killing Straik's people even as I sit here like a lump? I get to my feet and press my ear to the door, but I don't hear anything.
Instead of comforting me, that makes me more anxious.
He said he'd come back for me. He said he would.
I clutch the blaster in my hands. It looks like a gun without a trigger, and that's part of the problem. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Throw it at someone's head if they come attack me? The image strikes me as funny, and I giggle hysterically as I hold the thing to my chest. My giggles turn into tears, though, as the overwhelmed feeling engulfs me. Why can't I catch a break? Just once? Why is the universe intent on destroying me?
I sob into my small room, swiping at tears. I feel trapped and helpless and so damn alone.
And tired. So fucking tired.
I didn't realize how much adrenaline I had coursing through me, making me attack the world. Now that I'm sitting and I've got nothing to do but clutch a gun I can't use and stare at the wall, all that adrenaline has run out of me and I'm left sagging and exhausted. Even when I was in the ducts, I was spying, and that fueled me. Being Straik's captive fueled me, because I had a goal—defy him. But now that he's promising to take me back to my friends, and we're circling a planet that's human friendly, all of my reasons to attack and disobey seem childish. What's the point?
I stare down at the gun in my hands. Straik trusted me with this. He trusted me to cut his hair. We're not enemies, he said. We're sparring partners.
Weirdly enough, I wish he'd hugged me instead of kissing me. I sure could use a hug. I think about Jade and Helen. Both of them gave awesome hugs, Jade most of all. Alice isn't as much of a hugger but she's a good friend. I miss them. I miss Earth—the parts of it I can remember—and I miss the Star. I'd give anything to be back there, bored out of my mind with my friends at my side, eating another round of endless noodles.
Just thinking about them makes me want to cry again. Dopekh is nice but he's not a replacement for my friends. He doesn't understand why I'm fighting so hard. Straik does, though. He gets that gleam in his eyes when we bicker that tells me he understands me more than I like to admit. He told me to shoot whoever comes through that door, and I bite my lip to keep from smiling as I think about him parading through, triumphant, only for me to follow his orders and shoot his ass.
Not to kill, of course. Just to maim. Just so I can arch an eyebrow and tease him that I was just doing as I was told. So I can watch him curse at me and wait for his return attack—
Oh my god.
I'm violently flirting back with him.
The realization hits me like a slap to the face. Holy shit. Am I fucking with him because I like him? He's stubborn and impossible and refuses to back down and let me keep the upper hand but…that's part of the fun, isn't it? To see who wins over the other? I should hate him—and maybe part of me still does—because he's alien. Even so, he's not like the others that woke me up and immediately pulled me into a hellish nightmare. When Straik goes too far, he stops. He tries not to look at my body unless I shove it in his face. He's appalled at the thought of raping me.