I wanted to scream, to rage at him, to demand to know why he sat here appearing contrite, while at the same time telling me he would do it all over again if given the chance. Was this the mental torture to go along with the physical?
“Do me a favor. When you become Sovereign, how about you make your first decree for you to go royally fuck yourself?”
He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t expect you to understand. I didn’t want—”
“Get out.” I turned my head away from him, my neck stiff and unused to the movement.
He stayed. I could sense him there, unmoving, his gaze still on me.
There was nothing more to say. He’d whipped me like an animal. Worse, really. The memory of Cal Oakman’s voice rattled around in my mind. The way he crowed over Vinemont’s fevered strokes that drew my blood so easily. My tears went from sadness to rage.
I was a furious tempest of hatred and loathing but I was trapped in my battered body. All I could do was wish my tears away and accept that Vinemont had damned me to this existence. This life of pain and hurt and darkness. So many shadows that I never even knew existed had eclipsed any faint light I may have once had. I had been snuffed out, destroyed by the man who now looked so lost.
After a long moment, the floor creaked, and I heard his retreating footsteps.
“Wait,” I said.
He returned with a quicker step, standing behind me now.
“You said I could have a reward if I got through the ball.”
“Yes.” His voice crackled, almost hopeful.
“I want to see my father and stepbrother.”
He shifted and another long silence fell like deep winter snow, muffling and burying us. He touched the edge of my bed, the hesitant movement making me angry, making me want to hurt him.
“Okay.” He sighed, resignation in the rush of air.
“You’re going to keep your word?”
He ghosted his fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes, wondering if he had any chance of calming the firestorm that raged in my breast.
“I always do.” His voice was as soft as his caress.
I wanted to believe this was truly who he was—the man who seemed just as wrecked by what he’d done as my tattered flesh. But which one of him was real? The destroyer or the destroyed? Either way, my tears still fell, my pain still stung, my heart still ached. He had done this and would do it again. I pushed any tender thoughts away.
“I want to see them soon. But not until I’m healed all the way. Or at least as much as I can heal from what you did. I don’t want them to see me like this.”
“You just tell me when and I’ll arrange it.” He gave my hair one last gentle stroke. He hesitated. Words were on his lips. I could sense them lingering there in the dark. Instead of voicing them, he turned and strode out, his pace clipped.
I was left alone with my pain, all the varying shades of it. I turned my head back to look at the chair where he’d sat. My gaze roamed further up and seized on the discordant quilt created by Vinemont’s mother. What sort of person made it through the Acquisition and won?
I heard more steps, and recognized them as Renee’s. She slowed to a quiet tiptoe by the time she reached my door. Her black skirt rustled softly as she sat and folded her hands in front of her.
“I want to get up.”
She rose and smoothed my hair over my shoulder. “Sunrise is in an hour. Rest until then.”
Comfort was in her movements, her touch. I didn’t want comfort. I wanted to stop crumbling, to shore up what pieces of me I had left.
“No, I’m done resting. Help me sit up or I’ll do it by myself.”
I couldn’t lie in bed for another minute. I couldn’t stand being helpless and weak. I wouldn’t be. Not anymore.
***
With Renee’s help, I recovered over the next few weeks. I didn’t see Vinemont or Lucius at all during that time. I would pass Teddy in the hallway sometimes. He would smile and exchange pleasantries. Underneath, I could sense he was troubled. I had too many problems of my own to even begin to care about his. He seemed like a nice guy, but he was born into a pit of vipers. It would be foolish to think he wouldn’t bite just as surely as Vinemont and Lucius did.
I began to realize he was the only one who knew less than I did about what was going on. Renee wouldn’t tell me anything new, only that Vinemont didn’t volunteer for the Acquisition. It was done on some sort of lottery basis.
I’d figured as much at the ball when the names of the families were called. Oakman made it seem as if it were some “luck of the draw” situation, though it seemed like a stroke of bad fortune to be chosen. Even so, I couldn’t forgive Vinemont. He didn’t have to choose me. He didn’t have to threaten my father and force me into the contract. I didn’t wish this on another soul, but I couldn’t excuse his turning a bad stroke of luck on his part into a year-long suffering on mine.