Todd put his head in his hands. I wanted to comfort him, but explaining to Renna took precedence. I took off after her but stopped at her closed door. The lock was broken. All I had to do was turn the knob and push it open. I didn’t. I knocked.
“Go away.” Her voice was muffled and had the throaty sound of tears. It was like a splinter in my heart.
“Look, Renna. It’s not what it looked like. Well, I mean, yes, Todd kissed me. . .” I ran a hand through my hair while I tried to figure out how best to explain it. “But we aren’t a thing. We’ve never been a thing. We never will be a thing.”
My last sentence was punctuated by Todd slamming his door. Great, now both of them are pissed at me.
“Why were you kissing him?” Her voice was so quiet I barely heard it.
I took a deep breath and spilled my secret. I assured her it had been nothing more than a drunken mistake. I’d never been particularly attracted to men. Then again, I’d never been particularly attracted to any certain woman, not until Renna.
“So you and Todd, y-y-you—”
“Are not a thing.” I bounced my forehead on her door, wishing I could see her, hold her.
Something shattered in Todd’s room.
“I think you should leave,” Renna said. Her words ripped my heart in two.
“Are you sure?” I hesitated. I wanted to tell her I loved her, that it had always been her, really, and that the mistake with Todd had more to do with her than anything else. Todd and Renna had the same hair, the same eyes. They were very different personality-wise, but to a drunken idiot like I was, I took Todd’s offer and imagined Renna the whole time. I couldn’t say those things, not where Todd could hear.
“Just go.” Her command ended on a sob.
I hit my palm on her doorframe, wishing she would reconsider. Her tears were killing me. But in the end, I respected her wishes and left.
Every step back to my dorm was an acute torture. I collapsed onto my bed and stared into nothing, my thoughts completely consumed with her, with the pain I’d caused her. I’d been a selfish dickbag. I realized it. Would she ever let me make it up to her?
CHAPTER EIGHT
Renna
I zipped my jacket up a bit higher against the cool wind. The stadium lights were almost blinding for the season opener and the music pumped through the crowd. Todd had arranged some choice seats right behind the bench for my parents and me. I glanced over to the raucous student section and couldn’t be happier at our placement.
The players milled around in front of us, the anticipation of kickoff heavy in the air.
“Garrett won’t stop talking about the NFL. I think it’s a pipe dream. He needs to buckle down and get his degree first. Do you think Todd will go pro?” The family sitting next to us had a son on the team, as well. My dad and Garrett’s father launched into college versus NFL talk.
I switched places and stood arm to arm with my mom. Three girls stood behind us, giggling and smelling of vodka. They had obviously pre-gamed hard.
I should have been focused on Todd. I should have turned around and given the silly coeds a mean look. Instead, my eyes kept going back to the 12 jersey – Jericho. He stood talking to the coach. His helmet was still off, his dark hair ruffling in the chilly breeze. I closed my eyes, but he was still there. His body, his look of male satisfaction, all of it had haunted me in the week since I’d found him with Todd.
After Jericho had left that night, Todd had sat me down and explained that he’d been mistaken, that he’d tried to make Jericho be something he wasn’t. We’d cried on each other’s shoulders about the whole situation, and come through even stronger on the other side. He’d cautioned me to go easy on Jericho, but the image of them kissing was a barb in my heart.
Now, though, as I watched Jericho trot out to the center of the field for the coin toss, the barb stung less. Just seeing him was somehow a balm. Music poured over the speakers, a heavy, deep beat to get the fans going. When the referee announced that our team won the toss, the stands went up in a tornado of sound.
Jericho ran back toward the bench, toward me. Todd was at his elbow and looked up into the crowd right where we stood. I raised my hand in a wave, and Todd returned it.
Jericho followed Todd’s line of sight. When his green eyes met mine, even at that distance, my knees weakened. He was a heartbreaker, so gorgeous it was almost ruthless. Who could say no to that? I never had been able to.