Holt exhales. "Fuck, I know. That's a lot."
"I'm sorry," I say. "We're supposed to go back to the fantasy. Take me to the fantasy." I press my palms together. "Please, please? Pretty please?"
"There's that begging again."
"I thought you liked the begging."
"I do."
He kisses me. This time, it's not as chaste as the last. I sink into the kiss. Into him.
"Come on," he says. "Let's get out of here."
"Where are we going?" I laugh. There's no house to enter, no home to walk into, no motel room he's booked.
"The back of the truck," he says. He reaches behind the seat and grabs a few blankets.
"Wow," I say. "You come prepared. You do this often?"
"Never," he says, "but I do have some blankets and a few battery-operated flashlights. I got a few things back here. I'm old, remember? I have an emergency preparedness kit. I even got granola bars, a few roadside flares. Hmm, what else do I have?"
He rummages through the bin behind his driver's-side seat. "I have jumper cables."
"Okay, point taken. This isn't some rendezvous sex kit. It's just the basics."
"Exactly," he says. "Now, come on. Let's get to the back of the pickup so I can see what I'm working with."
I laugh, but I’m grinning at the same time. In the back of the pickup truck, he spreads out the blankets and I'm pleased to see that they provide enough comfort. "Now," he says, "come here." We crawl up into the bed of the truck, and he draws me close. We're on our knees and we're face to face. "Is this okay?" he asks.
I nod. "You don't have to ask again."
"I know, but I'm working with virgin materials here."
"I know, but I'm not delicate. I'm tough."
"I know," he says. "You're tougher than most girls."
"All girls," I clarify.
"Sure, but that doesn't mean you're not fragile."
"I'm not fragile."
"You sure about that, Paisley?" Holt looks at me then, runs his fingers through my hair, sees me in a way most men don't, no men do. He cuts through my bull crap. He sees me at my core.
"How can I afford to be fragile?" I ask him. "If I am breakable then I could fall apart, and if I fall apart, who is going to pick me up? I can't be in a million pieces when Joanne, and Sarah, and Granger, and Parker all need me to be whole."
"Damn, Paisley. That's the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard."
I smirk. "Yeah, well, we're in the back of a pickup truck under the moonlight at the beautiful end of a summer night. You're about to pop my cherry, and I’m on my very first date. I don't know how to do this. You asked me a question, and I only know how to be honest."
"Good," he says. "I'm glad."
"Really?" I ask as he begins to unzip my dress and expose my breasts and my heart all in one fell swoop.
"Yeah," he says. His hand stills and he looks at me. "Truth is," he says, "I wouldn't have you any other way. And beyond that, I think I'm falling in love with you." He looks at my eyes then, and I'd laugh if it didn't seem so serious.
"Stop it," I say.
"I can't," he tells me.
"What do you mean you can't?"
"I mean the zipper’s all the way down. Your dress is coming off, girl."
"No, I mean your words. Stop them."
"It's too late. They're out. It's over. It's done. You're mine."
"Don't." Tears fill my eyes. Spill over.
"I'm telling you. It's over. It's done with. It's happened." He looks at me.
"Stop, Holt.” My voice cracks. “You just met me."
He smiles. I blink back tears, and I swear to God, he does too. "Holt," my voice splits. That's the breaking part that I'm scared of. He feels that.
"It's okay," he says, "I got you. I got you. See? If you break, I'm the one who's here. I'll catch you before you fall." He kisses me then. And I kiss him back. And maybe that part should terrify me. Maybe it should stop me in my very tracks from taking this any further. But it doesn't. Because instead of pulling away, I give in to the very thing I've been scared of my whole damn life.
I give in to the possibility of being loved.
Holt
I know it's fucking insane to say those three little words so fucking fast, but I don't care. When I look at her, when I hear her, when I feel her, ‘I love you’ is all I can think, all I can say because it's the God’s honest truth.
And that's what I am, heart and soul, real.
So yes, I said something that might scare some people away, but I'm not scared of her, of this, us, now. I'm in it. And it might scare her, but that's okay. I'll hold her close, won't let her go. I'll do whatever the fuck she needs.