“I don’t want to wait. I want this. I need this.” I need to feel closer to him so badly my whole body aches for it. What if this is my only chance? I don’t want to let it slip away from me. He sucks in a deep breath, dropping his forehead to mine. His eyes fall closed as he lets out a sigh. I know he is trying to get himself under control. I’ve seen him make the same face throughout this week when he wanted to reach for me but I’d step away.
“I want you to go take a shower and warm up. You’re freezing.” His eyes slowly open. My face drops for a second. Rejection stings my heart. I lick my lips and try to regain my composure.
“You’re telling me no?” I hate the insecurity in my own voice.
“Fuck no. I’m not telling you no.” He pulls back a little, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. Relief fills me instantly. “Everyone down there backed us tonight. I need to go back down and make sure everyone gets home safe. They kept my girl safe and I’m going to keep them safe. I owe them that.” I smile. Asshole Carter is nowhere to be found right now. Though I’m sure when he goes back down to the party he’ll be barking orders but those orders will be with everyone’s best interest at heart. “You shower and get in our bed. When I get back, you’re all mine.” He smiles.
I force a smile back. Not because that doesn’t sound wonderful but because it does. I know that reality is catching up to me. I know when Carter comes back that I’ll be long gone. That I’ll never get the chance to be in his bed. Sadness overwhelms me but I push it down. I know that I need to let him walk back downstairs and go on with his life. My troubled past is only going to cause him headaches that he doesn’t need or deserve. I reach for him one last time.
“Kiss me like you mean it,” I tell him. Giving him a hard time. It is one of my favorite things to do with him. Someone has to give them to him. Who will after I am gone? I fight back a whimper at the thought of someone else giving him a hard time. I feel like it’s something special that we share. Something that I don’t want anyone else to have. I should be the only one that has that right.
Carter takes my mouth, letting me know exactly how much he means it. I savor every second of what will be my last taste of him. I try to commit to memory the way his mouth feels on mine, his scent, and most of all the kindness that he has shown me. Sometimes the timing isn’t right in life and you have to let a person go even though you know that you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. It’s about doing what’s right for the other person. Like Carter being a dick at times to make me not be so on edge or sad. I know he can easily play the part but I also understand his reasons for it now.
“Shower,” he orders. “And throw that fucking swimsuit away!” he shouts as he half runs out the door, making me smile after him. He loved and hated the swimsuit. Further showing how full of shit he’s been about not being attracted to me that first day.
With a heavy heart I slide off the kitchen island and head toward the closet. I do shower quickly and dig for my old bag and clothes. I don’t take any of the stuff Carter bought me. I can’t bring myself to do it. Except for a hoodie hanging up with his name on the back. I snag it, pulling it over my head. Then I find the stolen money I took from my mom’s boyfriend and lay it down. I know it doesn’t cover what Carter spent on me but it is all I have. I couldn’t let Carter get tangled in with my mess. He has a bright future ahead of him. Every college wants him. He is going to be a star. No way could he afford to have some criminal girlfriend. It is, after all, what I am considered. I did steal the wallet and I’m not going to let the first person to ever show me true kindness and maybe even love go down because of me.
I head to the front door, stopping to take in the place one last time. How quickly it has become a home to me. It hurts to leave. Not the place so much but Carter. The people who barely knew me and stood up for me tonight.