I had a project I needed to complete for my grandmother, so I headed back upstairs. But instead of working, I simply paced. I knew I messed up last night. And Andi being the trooper she was, she was going to save me from having to grovel and apologize by acting professional. I felt shame and at the same time, angry. And then I felt regret. All of it made it fucking difficult to work.
After a couple hours I realized I wasn't going to be able to get anything done. So, I changed my clothes and went down to the gym to run on the treadmill hoping the exertion would ride me of all the negative energy and hopefully clear my head.
After the workout I did feel looser, although emotionally, the guilt still hung heavy on me. I returned to the room and had a shower, then decided to go to the restaurant for a change of scenery, instead of ordering lunch up to the room.
As I w
alked in the restaurant, I saw Andi sitting by herself. For a moment I just watched her. She was looking down at the menu, but I could still see the beautiful features of her face. She gnawed on her lower lip as she often did when she was unsure. Guilt and longing filled me, and I hated that we were in the position that we were in.
Finally, I got myself moving and I walked over to her table. "Can I join you?"
She looked up and there was a slight hitch in her breath when she saw me. For a moment I saw hurt in her eyes, but she quickly masked it as she nodded.
We gave the waiter our orders, and when he walked off, we were left sitting alone.
Finally, I found my voice. “I think we need to talk."
Andi, with those sharp dark eyes stared at me. "About what?"
My lips twitched up slightly, as her feistiness was one of the many things I liked about her. At the same time, I didn’t see the spark of mischief that often accompanied her fight, and that made me feel like shit.
I couldn’t take back what happened between us or that I'd hurt her, but I could do something to get us back on an even keel. Certainly, by now any feelings she might have for me or any idea that perhaps there could be something between us would have dissipated. She knew who I was. So, I was certain that her attempt to keep things professional was genuine. Now it was up to me to make the apology and then do better at respecting her.
14
Andi
During the night and all day today, I felt like I had built a big solid wall to keep Noah away. Yet, seeing him now, I could feel part of that wall start to crumble. I hated that because I wanted to be stronger. I wasn't the sort of woman that was going to moon over a man, especially one who clearly regretted having slept with her. But here I was, having to tamp down on the hope that Noah was changing his mind. Stupid hormones. Stupid heart.
He said we needed to talk, but I couldn't imagine what about except for him to tell me that I was a mistake. He didn't need to say that to me. I got that message loud and clear last night. Even though I was still feeling raw from what had happened, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of watching me run away and avoid this talk like I wanted to do.
"I want to apologize about last night."
I sat listening and my heart betrayed me again by doing a slow roll in my chest as if it thought he was going to apologize for running off, and then want to make up.
"I should've never touched you. That was a mistake and I'm very sorry about it."
And just like that, all the hurt was back again. I’d been right. He regretted what happened last night. But again, I wasn't going to let him know that he hurt me. So, I sucked it up and nodded.
I plastered on my indifferent expression and shook my head. "There's no need to apologize. Were both consenting adults. You didn't coerce me into anything that I didn't want to do."
He studied me for a moment, and then said, "But what happened clearly upset you because you changed rooms."
I frowned at him in disbelief. "You're the one that got upset and ran out of the room. I figured it was best to put some space between us."
Noah looked down and I thought maybe he was ashamed of himself. Well good, I thought.
I had to give him credit though when he lifted his gaze to look directly at me. "I shouldn’t have behaved that way. I was angry at myself for giving into the temptation. I thought I'd had it under control."
I gaped at him surprised by his explanation. "Had what under control?"
He rolled his eyes. "This attraction to you. It's wrong."
I wanted to think that maybe what he was saying was a positive thing. He was attracted to me and he couldn't help himself, which of course boosted my ego. But the only words I was able to take in was “mistake” and “wrong.”
I decided that it was time to give him an out, so we could stop this conversation. I waved my hand as if what happened was nothing. "I understand how you work, Noah. With you, it's one and done. You got your one, now you’re done.”
"Andi, it's not —"