pushing him away. I find that hard to believe, and yet, at the same time, I'm unable to come up with another explanation. And that is troublesome, because my son loves you."
I shook my head. "Not anymore he doesn't. "
"But that's the tragedy because he does. But he's afraid now. Perhaps the same sort of afraid you were when you kept pushing him away."
"I knew I had to tell him about Tanner, but I was afraid. My reasoning isn’t very good but it is what it is. The day he found out about Tanner, I was actually getting ready to take Tanner over to his house to tell him. I don't know that Carter believes that, but it's the truth."
Alex sat back and studied me. "I hear your remorse, Jess, and I'm glad for it. It tells me that you are the good person that I thought you were. But what I haven't heard is how you feel about my son."
I looked out over the ocean because sharing my feelings about Carter seemed like something I should be telling Carter.
"No one can make you love Carter, but if that's the case, you need to come right out and say it."
I turned to Alex. "I can't tell Carter that I don't love him."
A slow smile spread on Alex's face. "Well then, perhaps you should tell him what you can."
I assessed Alex to make sure that he was still progressing along well and hadn't lost any of his strength or mobility. We did a yoga session, and then I packed up my things and left. The whole time, the conversation we had over coffee replayed in my head, and I realize that he was right. It was possible that it wouldn't matter if I told Carter how I felt, just as it hadn't mattered last night when I had told him that I had regretted what I’d done and how I'd hurt not just him, but our future. But I never told him I loved him. At least not now. It was likely he wouldn't accept it, but more and more, it felt like something I had to tell him.
I made a stop to check on Mr. Schmidt, and then I went into the PT clinic to check to meet with my boss, and by the time I was done, it was midafternoon. I was wondering how Tanner was doing, but I hadn’t heard anything from Carter, so I had to assume things were going all right.
I went back to the house, and Regina wasn't there. For the first time in a long time, I was alone. It wasn’t just that physically no one was around, but deep in my soul I felt alone. It was silly because I knew I still had Tanner, and Alex had told me that the family would be there for me if only because I was Tanner's mother. Maybe alone wasn't the right word. I was detached. Disconnected.
I did quick research online about how to change Tanner’s name from mine to Strong. Tanner Strong. I understood Carter’s need to have his name attached to Tanner’s, but to me, it felt like another piece of Tanner I was losing.
I lay down deciding to take a nap. I remembered when Tanner was a baby, and some of the best parenting advice I received was to sleep when the baby slept. So now I would sleep while my baby was with his father.
I woke up to my phone pinging. I reached over checking it. The first thing I noticed was the time. It was after five. I slept for a long time. The next thing I noted was the text was from Carter.
We’re making dinner if you'd like to come over.
This time I was able to guard my heart from feeling hopeful at being invited to dinner again. I texted back:
I'll be there in 30.
I cleaned up a little bit and packed another bag for Tanner on the off chance he ended up staying the night again. I missed him so much, and I wanted to bring him home, but at the same time I felt like the least I could do was give Carter as much time as possible during these first days of father and son meeting each other.
Thirty minutes later I was parking in Carter's driveway and walking up his front porch. Like the night before when I knocked on the door, Tanner squealed with delight and ran to open the door for me. He was wearing an apron that had to be folded and rolled all sorts of crazy ways to fit on him.
He grabbed my hand. "Come on mommy, I'm cooking."
I laughed as he tugged me toward the kitchen. He ran in and jumped up on a chair next to the counter where Carter, also in an apron, was putting vegetables in a bowl. He handed tongs to Tanner, who did his best to mix up the salad.
I stood in the kitchen doorway watching them for a moment. The scene was so sweet, so beautiful, tears came to my eyes. Embarrassed, I walked away and headed back to the foyer, sitting on the stairs. My heart felt so broken and I wondered if I would ever feel whole again.
"What's wrong?" Carter asked.
I looked up at him surprised as I hadn't heard him approach. I looked around for Tanner.
"He's using the john. He insists he's a big boy and can do it by himself." He had a smile on his face that told me he knew that Tanner often struggled to keep things in the bowl, but he didn't seem to mind. I liked that he was willing to let Tanner do his best and have some independence.
"Why are you out here crying?" he asked again.
I wiped my tears. Initially I scanned my brain for some good excuse, like it was a long day, or it just made me so happy to see Carter and Tanner and they were tears of joy.
But I remembered my commitment to tell him the truth. I inhaled and then exhaled breath to gather my courage. "I'm crying because I love you."
I couldn't read his expression as he looked down on me. A door opened and shut and Tanner came running. "What are you doing daddy? We have to finish dinner for mommy."