I shook my head.
"I wonder if that's a problem too?"
"What do you mean?" I sank on to the couch to relax for a moment and decide my next step.
"I mean Carter has had Tanner for a couple hours and there's no word. That suggests Tanner doesn't miss you. That could be hard too." Then she waved her hand. "I'm not saying that Tanner doesn't love you anymore, or wouldn't miss you. I'm just saying that maybe he's having a good time and that's hard for you."
I hadn't thought about it like that. But now that she mentioned it, there was a part of me that did feel a little betrayed at how quickly Tanner attached to Carter. It was silly, I knew, but sometimes emotions went to places our minds knew were unreasonable.
"I guess I'll just wait until he texts or calls me. I don't want Carter to think that I don't trust him, and I do want them to have a relationship."
"You're a great mom, Jess. I suspect that's the hardest part of parenting; the times in which you have to stand back and let your child do his own thing."
She wasn't kidding.
"Where does this leave you and Carter?" she asked.
I wondered if it was too early in the day to have a glass of wine. "Well, as best as I can tell, we’re going to get along so we can co-parent Tanner. I really hurt him, Reggie."
Reggie's expression was sympathetic, which was the opposite to what she said. "You knew that would happen when you didn't tell him for so long."
I nodded. "I know. It wasn't just that I didn't tell him sooner, it was the reasons I gave that made him sound like a terrible person that hurt him too. I realize now that mostly they were just rationalizations that were selfish."
"Give it time. He’s mad now, but maybe when he cools down, you guys will still have a chance."
"That would be nice, but I’m not going to hold my breath." I scraped my hands over my face. "I was so stupid to totally ruin the one thing I really wanted."
"Your intentions were good. If it weren't for Tanner, you and Carter would be riding off into the sunset as we speak. But you’re a mother and mothers have to put their kids first, which is what you did." Regina came over to sit on the couch. "It might take him a while, but as Carter experiences fatherhood, he’ll recognize that."
I hoped she was right, but I wasn't sure that Carter would ever be able to forgive me.
I spent the rest of the day dealing with laundry and other household chores, and even decided to take a nap, which felt like such a luxury. I couldn't remember the last time I had a nap.
But as the day moved into early evening, I began to get antsy. What were they doing? How was Tanner coping? If he hadn't had a nap, he'd be completely bonkers by now.
My fingers hovered over the text buttons on my phone as I grappled
with whether or not I should check on them. I typed out a message, but before I could hit send my phone pinged and I saw a message from Carter.
I brought Tanner to my place. We’re going to order pizza.
I would admit, if only to myself, that I felt left out. But this was how life was going to be now. Me sharing Tanner. I texted back;
When you’re done, I can come pick him up.
The phone stayed quiet for a moment and then a new text came in:
Why don't you come have pizza with us?
The heart was a silly thing. His invitation to have pizza with them had my heart filling with hope that maybe if we ate as a family, Carter would find his way to forgive me.
Fortunately, my brain was still on the side of reason, knowing that he was probably just being nice. Or maybe he was expecting that when dinner was done that I would bring Tanner home. Whatever the reason, it was important that I didn't let my heart have hope.
I parked in the drive at Carter's house and made my way up the porch to the front door. I knocked on the door, and inside I heard Tanner squeal and start charging toward the door. At least he was excited to see me, I thought.
"Open the door, Daddy. It’s mommy."
I looked a little side window and could see Tanner jumping up and down as Carter made his way to the door. I rapped on the window and Tanner looked, then ran to the window, pressing his little face against it. "You're here, mommy."