“She had a lot to lose, and from her standpoint, since you weren't willing to give her any sort of stability or commitment, she didn't really have anything to gain." My grandmother rose from the chair, straightening up, lifting her chin and looking as regal as always. "You need to get your act together Ryan." She watched me for a moment and then there was something in her expression that changed and she became less my boss and more of my grandmother as her features softened. "I know deep down you're a good man Ryan. I also know that emotions can muck up our brains and we don't always do what's best. Maybe you don't love Kellie. And maybe you can't forgive her. But if the two of you are having a child together, you need to assure her that the Strong family is with her."
I nodded. "I told her that no matter what, I would be in the child's life."
My grandmother rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'm sure you did it in a way that made her feel quite secure."
My grandmother hadn't been there, but I suppose she had been right. My comment to Kellie had been made more in anger than to assure her.
"Like I said Ryan, you need to get yourself together. If you need a few days off, take them. If you and Kellie are going to continue to have some sort of animosity or tension between you, I can arrange to have her reassigned to someone else. If we’re successful at getting Noah into the family fold, he could use a good assistant like her."
Oh hell no. There was no way I was going to let Noah near Kellie. "I won't disappoint you again, Gran."
She gave me a nod and left my office.
I leaned back in my chair running my hands through my hair. All the pain and anger I'd been feeling since the moment I learned that Kellie had kept the pregnancy from me, seemed small compared to the guilt I was feeling now. If I'd really made Kellie feel disposable and uncared for before proposing to her, then perhaps that would give her a good reason to hold onto the news for time. Knowing Kellie, she was trying to figure out how she was going to make it all work. That didn't mean I still wasn't bothered by the fact she hadn't told me, but now I could understand that it didn't come from someplace of malice. Perhaps if I'd been more forthcoming at how I was feeling, she'd have told me sooner. After all I hadn't told her I loved her. Hell I hadn't even said it when I proposed.
Whatever happened between Kellie and me, my grandmother was right in that we would need to figure out how to move forward. The more the conversation with my grandmother replayed in my mind, the more my feelings switched from anger to longing to be with Kellie. And the more that I recognized that I wanted to be with her, the greater the need to fix things with her grew. The only question was, would she forgive me?
32
Kellie
In theory, having a streaming television service meant I should be able to find something to watch anytime, day or night, no matter what mood I was in. In practice, I was finding that untrue as I switched from the IDTV channel deciding I didn’t want to watch true crime. I moved past HDTV knowing I didn't want to watch people find a bargain beach house in the Bahamas. I was quickly learning that even with all these channels at my disposal, I couldn't find anything to watch.
The only answer, of course, was to continue to work on the resignation letter I had started when it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to go into work and face Ryan ever again. It was ridiculous. I was having this child so of course I would be seeing him again. But at this moment in time, I couldn’t continue to be his assistant. I knew he wouldn't fire me because he wasn't that kind of guy. Plus, if he did, Carter's head would explode.
If I turned in my resignation, he would probably be relieved. He might even write a positive letter of recommendation because while I might've messed up our personal relationship, as his assistant, I never faltered.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to watch TV or work on my resignation as my phone rang with Andi’s ring tone.
“Hey girl, I wanted to let you know that Margaret has noticed how Ryan is walking around like a sad sack."
"Do you think she suspects something?" I asked, sinking back into the couch and seriously thinking about taking up full-time residency there.
"Maybe, but I didn't say anything to her. She also noticed that you weren’t at work and pondered out loud that maybe there was something going on between the two because you are rarely ever absent, and over the course of the last few weeks you’ve taken a couple days off."
"Did you say anything to her?"
"No, I told you I wouldn’t. I did say she should go talk to him. She also was thinking that if you two weren't working well together anymore, that she might see if you would work for Noah. I went ahead and put an end to that."
"Why?" I asked. At this point Noah wasn't working with the family, but if he was going to be joining the company like they wanted him to, he would need an assistant and it could solve all our problems. I could keep my job, except now doing it for Noah. It made total sense. So why was Andi so resistant to the idea?
"You don't want to work for Noah. He's lazy AF. The only thing that he is good at is being wise ass. You don't want to work for him."
I decided to tell her what I was working on. "I'm writing my resignation right now."
"What!"
"I just can't continue to face him day after day pretending like I don't love him. I just can't do it. I don't know how anyone can."
"You get used to it. Besides, chances are Ryan is going to change his mind. He's a good person. Whatever happened, he will forgive you, or he'll forgive himself, or whatever needs to happen."
She sounded annoyed at me. Like she was mad that I wasn't going after what I wanted. But how could I? Ryan was clear that he was done with me. You can't make someone love you.
"Listen, I’ve got to go, but Margaret has gone down to talk to him so maybe whatever she says to him will fix whatever is wrong between you two love birds."
“Keep me posted,” I said. I’d been so focused on what I was going to do about this situation, I hadn’t considered what Ryan would do.
“Of course.”