He stared at me for a moment like maybe he wasn't sure what I said.
"We're having a baby." I said, just in case I wasn't clear.
"How?" He gave his head a quick shake. "I mean I know how but aren't you on birth control?"
This wasn't the response I wanted, but it wasn't completely unreasonable. Just because he was surprised by the news that I was pregnant, didn't mean that he was unhappy about his impending fatherhood.
"Well, I was, sort of."
His body went stiff and he started to pull away. "Sort of?"
Inside I began to panic. "I was on the pill, but we were only supposed to be in Europe for a couple of days and I was on the off part of the cycle. I thought I'd be home to start the next pack. That week in Europe wasn't planned," I looked down because this was the part where I was at fault. "I guess I was just so caught up in everything I wasn't paying attention."
He sat up and he stared at me with a mixture of shock and irritation. "And you didn't think to tell me this?"
My own annoyance ramped up a little bit. "I wasn't the only one there, Ryan. I didn't see you whipping out any condoms."
"When you readily accepted my dick into your pussy, I assumed that meant you were protected." His eyes narrowed nearly into slits. "Unless this is what you wanted. Is that what this is about? Trying to trap me?"
"What? No. If I wanted to trap you, I would've told you sooner.” Of all the scenarios I played out in my head about what might go wrong when talking to Ryan about the baby, I hadn’t seen this one.
He moved to sit on the edge of the bed running his hands through his hair and then sitting for a moment with his elbows on his knees. And then as if something had occurred to him he whipped his head around turning to look at me. "Told me sooner? This happened in Europe? How long have you known?"
I knew deep in my gut that my answer was only going to make this worse, but at this point I needed to tell the truth. “It’s been a couple weeks.”
“A couple of weeks!” He shot up to stand and glared at me. “You’ve known for a couple weeks and haven’t told me? All the time we spent together and it didn’t occur to you at any of those times to tell me you were pregnant?”
I looked down feeling guilty because he was right to be upset about that. “I was afraid—“
“Afraid?”
"You were so insistent that this was just a temporar
y thing; friends with benefits—"
"So I didn't deserve to know?"
"No that's not what I mean." I shook my head and sat up on my knees, moving to the edge of the bed hoping that getting closer to him would help because I felt like he was moving farther and farther away. "I just remember that you weren't sure you ever wanted a family and this wasn't a long-term thing and I just didn't know how to tell you. I couldn't find the right time."
"Now is the time, right? Because I asked you to marry me?"
"Yes in a way," I admitted.
"So if I hadn't asked you to marry me I still wouldn't know."
I began to recognize that this was going to be even worse than I was anticipating. "I tried to tell you earlier when we first got on the boat but I just couldn't find the words. All this was so lovely and I worried about your reaction and didn't want to ruin it."
"So if this stayed a temporary friends with benefits thing, does that mean you were never going to tell me?"
Up until this moment, I had been hopeful that I might be able to salvage this situation, but now he felt further away than ever. And the way he looked at me, with such disdain, there was no way he could love me now. "I was going to tell you. Really I was."
"When? If it's been weeks, when were you planning to tell me? What if things had ended between us? Were you just going to take the child and never tell me? Would you start seeing someone else and tell me it was his child?"
Desperate I reached out for him but he stepped out of my reach. "No I would never do that."
He grabbed his pants and began putting them on. Then he picked up his shirt, putting his hands through the sleeves but not bothering to button it.
"What are you doing?" My heart was beating a million miles a minute in panic and fear that he was going to walk out and I’d never see him again.