We walked in silence for a bit and then she finally asked, “What do you want, Ryan?”
“Right now?” I wanted her stop thinking that I was such a fucking asshole.
“No. In life. Why can’t you appreciate this?” She stopped and looked out over the lake. She shivered slightly and rubbed her arms.
“I don’t know.” My response was automatic as I wasn’t interested in delving in my psyche. I took my coat off and draped it over her shoulders, wishing I could use my body to keep her warm.
She accepted my coat with a thank you. “Not knowing is even worse than simply not appreciating.”
/>
“Of course, it is,” I quipped.
She turned to me, as if she was surprised by the irritation in my voice.
I looked down into her lovely gray eyes. “I can’t win with you. All my responses only serve to make you see me in a worse light.”
She looked down. “I’m being a bitch.” She turned out over the lake again. “Natalie would be swooning over all of this. She’d be sketching and painting. She’d be soaking in all of it. But she probably won’t ever be able to come here. She deserves to be here instead of you.”
I sighed. “I am who I am, Kellie.”
She turned quickly toward me, surprising me. Her hand pressed on my chest. “No. I don’t believe that. I see that you want more. Sometimes you even let yourself experience it, but mostly you shut yourself off. I don’t get it. And I suppose it makes me angry because it’s such a waste.”
I felt raw and vulnerable as I looked down on her. My hand pressed over hers as it rested on my chest. It was like a lifeline as I felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotion.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I managed to say.
“What do you want, Ryan?”
“You.” The word left my lips before I could think about the wisdom of it. But it was the truth. I was standing in a gloriously beautiful place in the world, but I could have been in the middle of some dumpy town because all I could see was her. But then my senses returned. “But I can’t have you.”
“You’re doing it again. You’re on the edge of enjoying yourself and then you decide you can’t. Why? Is it just because I work for you? Or do you think you don’t deserve to feel happy?”
“What do you want?” I asked, not liking all the attention on me.
“I want to soak up everything about this place so I’ll never forget it. I want to get drunk on life. I’d like my boss to stop looking at me like I was a charity case and forbidden fruit.”
“Charity case? You’re the one who keeps telling me that you and your sister don’t have opportunities like this.”
“You’re right. That wasn’t fair. The point is, we’re here in this beautiful place. Just the two of us. Your Gran isn’t here. Your brothers aren’t here. Your father isn’t here. None of them will know if you let loose and enjoy yourself for a minute. I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.”
The wind blew her hair back. Longing for her filled my chest.
“When you get back, you can be work-only Ryan. But here, let yourself live. We agreed that this trip was outside the normal world.”
“Friends,” I said, remembering the few times we discussed our relationship on this trip.
“Yes. Friends.”
Taking a chance, I drew my thumb along her cheek. I wanted her so bad. Could I really push aside all my hang-ups and obligations to enjoy myself for the next few days?
“Are we being honest?” I asked. I was her boss after all. I couldn’t just blurt out inappropriate requests. But I did trust her. I believed in what she was saying.
She laughed. “I just called my boss—”
“Friend,” I corrected.
“Friend. I just called my friend an uptight, spoiled rotten child. I think we passed honesty and went to brutal truth a long time ago.”