I opened the door to let her in, thinking I deserved whatever she was going to tell me.
“You’re a real bitch sometimes Trina, do you know that? What is wrong with you?”
I shrugged, not sure if it was a real question or a rhetorical one.
“Do you really think Ryder is a loser?”
“I don’t think he’s prepared—”
“So that’s a yes. If he’s a loser it's because he’s spent so much time pining after you.”
“That’s not true.” Feeling exhausted, I put the book on the coffee table and sat on my couch. It was strange to have coveted the book for so long, but now having it in my possession was a hollow victory. Of course, technically I didn't earn it. Maybe I should give it back, because seeing it was a reminder of the bet and how I spectacularly messed up my life.
Sinclair paced in my living room. “Ryder is the most kind-hearted, sweet human being that ever existed and you shit all over him.”
“I can’t worry about his feelings when I have a baby to think about.”
“You’re so full of shit, Trina. You only care about you.”
Tears came to my eyes. I wanted to blame the hormones, but I knew it was guilt and grief. “That’s not true.”
“It is true. You’re using that baby to keep Ryder away the same way you use order and organization and your bitchy attitude to keep everyone else away. News flash, Trina, not everyone is like your parents. Ryder won’t leave you—”
“He already did.”
She whirled on me. “You’ve got to be kidding me? You have some fucking nerve. You told him he was a loser and expect him to hang around? That’s what you wanted though, right? You want people to leave you and disappoint you.”
“I don’t want it, they just do.”
She jammed her fists into her hips. “Have you ever considered that it’s because of how you treat them?”
“So it’s my fault my mother left and my father couldn’t care for me?”
She blew out a breath. “No that’s on them. Everyone else that you push away, bully, and act heinous to, that’s on you. Besides me, Ryder is the only other person who has stuck around. You bitch and moan at work about being dismissed, ignored, and disrespected, but you don’t have any qualms about doing that to Ryder. For ten years you’ve mistreated him, and he stuck until even he couldn’t take it anymore. Do you know what it takes to make Ryder mad? I have no idea because I’ve never seen it. You, though, you were able to accomplish it.”
She was right. The fact was, she wasn’t saying anything I didn’t already know. I even knew it before I had my little one-on-one therapy session through a therapy app on my phone. That woman told me I had two issues; one was that I saw the world as chaotic and unsafe based on my childhood, and two, I didn’t trust people to not let me down. Well duh. My need for control was what kept order and security. And yes, I didn’t trust people. My own parents couldn’t love me like I needed, why would anyone else? Especially a nice guy like Ryder.
“I’ll tell you what though,” Sinclair continued. “He won’t abandon that baby. He may not have his book alphabetized, hell, they may not even be on a shelf, but you’ll never find a man who is more dedicated to his family or willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy.”
“I know he’ll be there for the baby.” I never questioned that. I could already see him twirling the baby in circles, teaching him to throw a ball, showing him how to pluck a guitar. What I couldn’t see was all the other work that went into being a parent.
“He’s already met with a lawyer, so don’t think you’ll stop him from being a father.”
My stomach clenched at that news. Would he try to take my baby? No, not Ryder. He’d protect his rights, but he’d put the baby’s need first, that I was sure of.
“And I don’t know where you get off saying he can’t provide. You rent this place; he owns his. He even—”
“I thought your grandparents gave it to him.” I distinctly remembered him bragging about free digs when he first moved into the house after his grandparents moved to a retirement community.
“See, you don’t know shit. When they decided to sell, he bought it from them. And that fucking gig he did for Stark? He took that money and fixed up the house and invested in Salvation Station.”
My eyes widened in surprise.
“That’s right, he’s going to buy that place. From where I sit, he’s in a better position to provide than you are.”
I burst out crying because her words hurt even though they were true.
“Ah hell.” She sank down on the coffee table in front of me. “Don’t cry. Why aren’t you yelling?”