“She won’t know.” He flashed me his signature grin, although it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He wanted to lighten the mood. He wanted me to lighten up. But I couldn’t. “There was no way I’d have made it to a bed.”
“We can’t be doing this.” I really needed to stick to my guns on this. There was too much at stake to let my hormones get the best of me.
“Why not?” he asked.
I gave him a look that said, “you know why.”
“I have no problem with this. We’re going to be married. Married people have sex, Sinclair.” He thrust one leg then the other into his jeans, jerking them up.
“It’s not a real marriage. A real relationship. We need to keep our hands to ourselves and focus on the goal; to deal with Stark.”
“We can fuck and still deal with Stark. What’s the big deal?” So, to him, it was just fucking. I supposed that should have made me feel better. The last thing I wanted was emotions screwing things up. Still, it would have been nice if there was more to it, which even as I thought it made no sense. This was why we had to stop having sex. It messed up my thinking.
“It muddies the water, Wyatt. We can’t afford for that to happen.”
“You think I can’t keep sex and business separate?” He tugged on his t-shirt.
Again, his words hurt me even though it was exactly what I wanted. For him not to think of me as a long-term deal.
“It would just be easier. Besides, with Alyssa here…I can’t risk her seeing something.”
He rolled his eyes at me, making me angry. “You think I’d really fuck you somewhere she’d see it? Jesus, Sinclair. What kind of man do you think I am?”
“That’s the point. I don’t know. Not anymore. We’re not eighteen-year-old horny kids with stardust in our eyes, believing in fairy tales. This is real life.”
His green eyes flashed with anger. “Maybe it was all a fiction for you, but I loved you, Sinclair.”
“You left!”
He jerked back and because he really had nothing that he could say to contradict my point, he turned away.
“This is why we need to keep the boundaries straight,?
?? I said quietly. “To avoid what’s happening right now.”
He lifted his hands in surrender. “Fine. No fucking.” He started for the kitchen door that went out to a sun porch. He stopped and turned. “But this needs to look real if I’m going to have a chance against Stark.”
I nodded, not sure what he meant.
“So, when we’re out in public and I hold your hand, you have to pretend not to feel disdain and revulsion at my touch.” He started out the door.
“Wyatt. I don’t feel disdain-” But he was already out the sunroom door and striding across the grassy area toward a large tree. I noticed a tire swing hanging there and felt more guilt as I realized he’d probably put that up for Alyssa.
You have to be this way, I told myself. To protect myself and Alyssa. I needed to focus on what was important, not on indulging my hormones.
I went up to my room. I considered taking a bath in the large clawfoot tub, but thought it would be rude to luxuriate in the amenities of his home after pushing him away. Instead I took a shower, washing away the evidence of our coming together.
When I was done, I put on my pajamas, and a t-shirt, and climbed into bed. It was still early, but I figured I could read and then get a good night sleep. I knew that farming households got up before the sun anyway, so I figured I might as well start getting used to it.
19
Wyatt
I knew Sinclair had a fancy wedding in mind when we were young and dreaming of a life together. She used to bombard me with her ideas of location, her dress, and color schemes. I found it adorable. I could usually turn the conversation to the honeymoon which invariably resulted in us acting out our wedding night.
Me? I hadn’t much thought about the wedding. I’d only thought about keeping her with me and building a life together. However that happened, I was okay with. And then I ruined it by running off.
Today, we were getting married, but it wasn’t the ceremony she’d once told me she wanted. I told her I’d give her a fancy wedding. After all, this needed to look real. And I selfishly thought if she got what she’d dreamed of having, it would remind her of what we planned, and it would be easier to win her over to have a real marriage.