“Either you had a traumatic experience with a cupcake or maybe cupcakes make you think of the woman you love.”
Fuck. I didn’t want to talk about this. “Tell me about the next round of treatments.”
She sighed and answered my questions. Thankfully, during dinner, our conversation remained within safe guardrails. That is until we were finishing up.
“Do you remember that you proposed to me here? You were on a 48-hour leave, and we spent about 47 of it in bed, and one here.”
There was a time that the memory would have been painful. I’d bought her ring while I was abroad, knowing I was coming home for a short stay, and wanting to commit to her. A lot of thought and planning had gone into it.
“I remember.”
“Cy?”
I looked up at her, holding my breath for what she might say.
“I know you’ve moved on. And I know I’ve hurt you. But now that you’re home. Maybe we can start over. Maybe not now. I know you’ll need time to heal after leaving South Dakota, but I’ll wait.”
“You’re kidding me? Now you’ll wait?” Anger flashed white hot at her words.
She had the good sense to look chagrined. “I know I messed up. I ruined a wonderful relationship. One I realize now was worth the wait.” She waved her hands. “Maybe this is too soon. But over time, maybe your feelings will change.”
“Like how your feelings changed while I was gone?” She really had some nerve.
“My feelings for you never changed, Cy. I just…needed someone and you weren’t there.”
“I’m not going to apologize or feel guilty for serving my country, Lora. I know it couldn’t have been easy to be in a relationship with someone who was gone a lot. Had you stuck it out and married me, you would have been able to move where I was stationed, so we wouldn’t have been apart as much.”
“I’m not blaming you, Cy. It’s my fault. And you’re right. I should have stuck it out. My point is, maybe someday, we can move past all that. I do still love you.”
It was a strange thing to have the woman I wanted to hear those words from not say them and the woman I didn’t want to hear the words from, say them. My life was assbackwards.
24
Petal
I blamed the witch’s outfit for my current state of depression. Had I not worn that outfit on Halloween, Cyrus and I probably wouldn’t have had the sex that led me down this path to feeling heartbroken that he was now gone. This wasn’t the first time I’d lost in love, but this time around was really doing me in. I wasn’t just sad, I was exhausted. My depression was impacting me physically. Sometimes I felt like I was coming down with the flu.
But I pushed forward. I interviewed a couple of women but told them I wouldn’t be making a decision until after Thanksgiving, although as the day approached, I wished I’d hire someone sooner as it was nearly impossible for me to get everything done.
On Thanksgiving morning, I headed over to April and Jude’s place, wanting to stay home and in bed instead. I plastered on my perky face and walked in ready to have a festive time. This was my pseudo family now that my parents were gone, and being with them would surely boost my mood.
Along with April and Jude, and their kids, Conner and August were there. Any other time, I’d been having a wonderful time, joking with August, playing with Maya and Bertie, and gossiping with April. And I did my best to make small talk and take an interest in the football game on TV, but it took a herculean effort.
At one point I took a break, heading into the kitchen under the guise to check on the turkey.
“Are you missing, Cyrus?” April asked. I turned, to see her leaning against the doorway of the kitchen with a wine glass in her hand.
“A little,” I admitted. “But he needs to be with his mom.”
She nodded as she approached me. She stared into my eyes and I was afraid she could see just how devastated I was. “Are you alright? You look…I don’t know…just not like my usual Petal.”
I mustered a smile. “I’m just tired. A lot has been going on.”
“You’re not pregnant, are you? I’ve never been so tired as when I was pregnant. Well that’s not true, I’m exhausted now with two kids.” She laughed at her joke.
Me? My heart stopped. Pregnant? No. I couldn’t be. I was about to dismiss it, but then when I tried to remember the last time that I’d had my period, I wasn’t sure. All of a sudden there was a flood of reasons why I could be suffering from more than depression. There was the occasional bout of nausea. The fact that we hadn’t used any birth control the first time. Oh God.
“Hey?” April looked at me with concern. “Really, Petal. What’s going on?”