“We can talk about it if you want,” Missy said. I knew that, but I still didn’t feel like it was the right time. I knew she didn’t know because even though Brenna was her friend too, she would never disclose information that I asked her to keep a secret. I didn’t like keeping it a secret but I just wasn’t ready yet. I was not yet over Toby and with the recent disturbance from Paul, things were still a little bit too messy for my liking.
“Thank you. I’ll definitely keep that in mind,” I said.
I was going to have to come clean because pregnancy was a secret that told itself eventually. In addition to that, I thought it was kind of cute that we were pregnant at the same time. It was a total mistake and it even crossed my mind that she might think I was trying to steal her thunder for some irrational reason. Missy wasn’t like that, I was just incredibly insecure about the status of my relationship with my baby’s father.
I decided to get ahead on some baby shopping. I had read on where to shop for a baby on a budget, and which products were worth springing a little bit more money towards. Babies grew so fast in the first 1 to 6 months that they were going to be in out of their new clothes in the blink of an eye. Car seats and strollers needed to be safe and durable so it made more sense to put my money there.
I was going to enjoy this. I was determined to make my journey as a new mother, single or not, as fun and enjoyable as possible. I didn’t need Toby’s permission to be excited about being a new mother and thanks to my job with Missy, I didn’t need his money to buy the kind of products or give my baby the kind of life that I wanted to be able to afford.
Yes, going after him for child support had crossed my mind, but once again it didn’t feel like it was worth engaging him just for more disappointment. In that same vein however, he was rich, connected, and powerful, I did not want to end up in a court battle with him because he would win simply off the strength of his net worth. I was treating this like he wasn’t there. Like he was dead. The father of my child died and I was all alone, essentially because I couldn’t allow myself to rely on him. He had shown me exactly how reliable he was.
I followed the map on my phone to the boutique that I had looked up online. It was owned by an independent designer who made the full range of baby products all the way from diapers and bottles to car seats and strollers, even educational books and toys. I like the philosophy and the ownership of the brand so I wanted to investigate. Inside, I was one a few patrons browsing the merchandise.
Three women and one man were paired off into couples, and then there I was alone. I felt myself try to seem smaller and make up excuses in my head about why my partner wasn’t there to me in case anyone asked. Getting used this was going to be harder than I initially thought.
“Excuse me ma’am, how are you?” A smiling attendant said, coming up to me. I stopped touching the mobile I was looking at. Unlike the traditional mobiles I had seen in the past, the ornaments were softly colored paper cranes hanging at different heights.
“I’m fine thanks, just browsing. I found you guys online and I wanted to take a look.” She smiled and nodded.
“That’s great. Just let me know if I can help you with anything specific,” she said. Since she offered, I said that I did. I was curious about the sizing system they used for their clothing when I noticed someone through the glass storefront. He looked right at me and made eye contact before he quickly dropped his gaze and started walking away. Paul. That crazy motherfucker was following me.
I hastily thanked the attendant and hurried out, walking after him. I yelled his name but he ducked around a corner and I lost him. He was still stalking me. The man I actually wanted to talk to was ghosting me, and the one I couldn’t stand wouldn’t leave me alone.
He must’ve thought that I was kidding when I told him I was going to get the police involved. This was the last straw.
I had to do it, there was no one else I could turn to and this time I wouldn’t be too afraid to press charges.
It wasn’t like I could tell Missy what was happening, well, I could, but I didn’t want to do that yet. My pride was probably a stupid reason, but I wouldn’t be able to take the humiliation of opening up about sex with Toby on top of my psycho ex coming back to haunt me.
Speaking of Toby, he had the type of money that could arrange for a mystery disappearance of Paul if I really wanted that to happen. I did not want that to happen, I just wanted him to stay away from me and Toby was no longer interested in me and my life, so I was on my own.
Plans changed. I made my way to the precinct. Maybe a restraining order would tell him that I was serious since he didn’t seem to believe me. It was almost nightfall by the time I was leaving the station and my hopes had unfortunately not been lifted. I had been through the process before but it was difficult this time because you had to know personal details about the person you were filing against. Not that I wanted to but I didn’t know anything about Paul’s current life.
I didn’t know where he was living, whether he lived alone or whether he even lived in the city. I didn’t know whether he was still using his old number or not. I had completely removed him from my life and now he was back and I couldn’t get him away from me. Back home, I was jittery.
I couldn’t take a shower without turning all the lights and TV o
n first. It made me feel safe. If he was outside and it sounded like there was activity in my house, he would think I had company and stay away.
I couldn’t believe it. I was back to being the nervous wreck I was when he and I were a couple. All these years later and he had me in a chokehold of anxiety.
I hated him. He was a monster and I couldn’t get rid of him. I was so nervous that I couldn’t eat. I decided to try and make myself some tea. My buzzer went off and I almost dropped my mug.
If it was him, I was moving.
Whoever was down there could see my light on so I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t home. I waited, hoping it wouldn’t happen again.
It did. I put my mug down and went to my window, peering downstairs.
It was Brenna, Eddy and Missy. I sighed, relieved and let them in.
“It’s about time you opened up,” Brenna said.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked and they trooped in, treats in hand.
“I know you’ve been struggling lately. I thought you’d like some company, so I rallied the troops,” Missy said. I hugged her.
“I don’t know what to say.”