I didn’t know whether I had another confrontation in me. In fact, I knew that I didn’t. It was just too much. Toby set my whole body on fire. When I was around him everything inside me was operating at full capacity. It was exhausting to be around him and not able to really express myself the way I wanted to. The two of us consistently breaching the boundary between us and then resolving never to do it again, only for it to happen once again, with even more devastating results, it had to come to an end.
On the bright side, at least if I was weak around him, he was the same around me. It wasn’t just me, unable to take a hint, trying to keep pursuing him while he wanted nothing to do with me. It was worse somehow. Neither of us had made a decision so we were stuck in limbo.
I was just so tired all the time now. I was pregnant, there was no reason why I should have been going through all this drama. I didn’t like it and it was probably bad for the baby.
“If you’re here, you might as well take me home.” He looked surprised but immediately jumped into action.
“Yeah, yes, of course. Let’s go.”
Paul’s recent activity had been scaring me, but right now, I just wanted to go home and I felt like I could get a ride out of him. Paul put his arm around me. Usually, I would’ve stopped him from touching me, but I was too tired to fight him off.
I stared out the window on the way home. I didn’t think I would be physically capable of looking at Toby again in my life. I wanted to tell him, in a way I felt like I was legally or at least morally obligated to say something to him about the baby, but after what had just happened, I was doubting how soon I would be able to do it. How long before I fully rebounded from this and was able to face him again.
Waiting wouldn’t guarantee anything anyway. I could wait all I wanted, until what I thought was the right time and there was no guarantee that he would accept what I told him. He had no reason to accept the baby, even though it was his. We weren’t together, let alone in a marriage or anything like that. The way he conducted himself, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a whole roster of women in the city who had gotten pregnant by him and also paid off and told to get rid of it.
That simply wasn’t happening no matter what he told me. I wanted this baby and chances were I was going to be raising them alone. My chest felt tight and my eyes watered. The thought of that hurt. Toby rejecting me was one thing, but going ahead and rejecting our baby would hurt even more.
How did I get here? I could’ve sworn things were looking up for me but now everything sucked. I was pregnant by a guy who didn’t want me. My ex was crazy had been following me around. I was probably going to end up a single mother and I had no idea how I would be able to hack that.
My boss was pregnant too, I had managed to forget about that. If she suddenly got the itch to close down her business and become a stay-at-home-mother, I would be unemployed on top of everything else. Perfect, just fucking perfect.
When we got to my place, I let myself out of the car. I heard Paul following behind me, and didn’t stop him. He walked me all the way to my place.
“Can I come in?” he asked. I was inside, holding the door open and he was on my doorstep.
“I’m really tired and I just want to be alone. If you have something to tell me, just say it now.”
“I’m sorry for whatever you’re going through. I really want to be there for you. I just want what’s best for you.”
“Thanks for all your help, but we aren’t together and we have no relationship of any kind. You don’t owe me any of this, and I’m not asking. I can take care of myself.”
“I know that. You’re so strong, you’ve always been. It’s really hard to go through pregnancy alone though and it’s even harder raising a baby alone.”
“You think I don’t know that?” I snapped.
Paul shuffled his feet a little bit. “I know that you do.”
“Then what?”
“It’s just, you shouldn’t have to do this alone. Don’t you want help? Do you want someone to be there to help you out? To run to the store when you have cravings? To rub your feet or go to doctor’s appointments with you? You don’t want to be alone in the delivery room, do you?”
In a perfect world, none of this was happening. In an even more perfect world though, this was happening exactly the way I wanted it to, with Toby excited and happy at my side. With him supporting me through the pregnancy, running to the store to get all my cravings, or even doing something ridiculous, like hiring a chef especially to cater to me. I did want someone alongside me, but it wasn’t Paul. His offer was sweet, but it wasn’t what I wanted. The man I did want at my side had made it clear that he couldn’t do it.
“I hope this isn’t you making me an offer.”
“It is, Maggie and I am dead serious. I want to be there for you. You deserve someone there while you’re going through all this.”
I was shaking my head. “How can you say something like that given the way our relationship ended last time?”
“I’m different now.”
“That might be the case Paul, that I would be a fool if I believed you.”
“What do I have to do to prove it to you?” Paul asked.
“I’m not at all in the right place for any kind of relationship, Paul and it would be wrong to ask you to hold out for me. I don’t want you to do that. If you want to do anything for me, just give me the space to sort myself out.”
“You’re not asking me for anything that I don’t already want to do for you.”