I was stuck in this hellish limbo where I had to face down Toby, the man who was making me question everything I had felt about relationships for several years at every turn. The introspection was painful. It was made worse by the fact that I was falling for him at the same time.
13
Toby
Couldn’t get away from me quick enough.
It was so strange
being in this position. Women usually couldn’t get enough of me, including that woman, but there she was, doing everything she could to get away from me.
I wasn’t sure whether it hurt my feelings or annoyed me. Maybe it was both. I knew her rejection wasn’t real, I mean, it was real, it just wasn’t based on her not being attracted to me. She was definitely attracted to me; she was just holding herself back because we promised that we weren’t going to do that anymore. More and more, it felt like a stupid reason.
It did piss me off. The two of us could be having the time of our lives out here, basically, a vacation where all we did was eat and have sex in a location which under slightly different circumstances would have been very romantic.
When you denied yourself something for long enough, you stopped wanting it. That was how I quit my brief stint of smoking way back in high school. If I just stayed away from Maggie enough and we stopped having sex completely, I wouldn’t want her anymore.
Yeah, sounded legit.
I wandered over to the kitchen to see whether she needed any help. With that excuse, I felt like she wouldn’t have a reason to kick me out. She was standing still working on something in a pot that I couldn’t see.
“You need help with anything?”
“No,” she said even before I finished my question. Okay, we were doing this again. Fine. I started looking through the cabinets for something to have with our dinner since it looked like we were eating pasta again. That wasn’t a complaint, but who would say no to a little bit of variety?
I searched the cabinets, high and low. There wasn’t much, but right under the sink, just as I was about to end my search, I found the wine stash.
“Hey, look at this,” I said, holding a bottle up. It was a red wine that looked okay quality, but nothing top of the range. Maggie looked up from the stove.
“Do you mean there has been alcohol in this house all this time?” she asked.
“How about we have with dinner?”
She agreed, and I couldn’t help but think it was because she wanted to numb out from this whole experience together. As much as I knew that she was attracted to me and just fighting against her will, I wondered whether there was a part of her that just hated me. Just straight up did not like me. Thought I was stupid, unattractive, didn’t respect my job.
I cared what she thought about me, a lot.
We ate at the island. The sun was setting outside so we were going to have to light up all the candles and lanterns again. I pointed that out. She just grunted and nodded, not looking up from her food.
“I wonder when we are going to get power back,” I said out loud. She did the same thing, grunting and nodding again. I might as well have been talking to a dog, or a pile of bricks if that was all I was getting from her.
What if I swept all the dishes and food onto the ground and pulled her up onto this island? I bet she would have something to say then. She wouldn't be able to though since I’d have my dick in her mouth. I stared down at my food playing out the scenario in my head. It was literally too good to be true so that was the only way I would be able to indulge.
I had been hoping that the wine would do some of the work of loosening the both of us up, but it seemed like neither of us were drunk enough yet. After dinner, I volunteered to clean up so it was a silent and awkward fifteen minutes of the two of us cleaning up the kitchen and lighting up the candles and lanterns we would need throughout the night.
The sun had mostly gone down by the time we were done. While there was still a little bit of light outside, the sun was invisible. We went back to the living room because the other option was heading upstairs to go directly to sleep and it was still really early.
“Do you want to play another game of poker?” I asked her. She looked at me.
I thought that it was too early to go to bed, but there was a chance that she would rather go to bed at sunset rather than hang out with me. The hot and cold that we cycled through every hour or so was exhausting.
“Yeah, I could beat you again.” She was competitive, why did I like that so much? I told her to get set up in the living room and I went to the kitchen. There were still a couple of wine bottles left and I felt like another one would be a nice treat. It would help break the ice, hopefully. Let’s face it, in the absence of everything else we could possibly be doing, getting drunk was pretty appealing.
I sat down across the table from her and we started playing. She was good at the game, as her previous victory had proven, not that I was going to let her know that I thought she won fair and square. I wasn't concerned with winning; it was just something to do. The urge to get close to her had not disappeared, but getting physically close to her didn't seem to be an option she was allowing me to have. This seemed like a safer method. On top of that, it was fun. I couldn't remember the last time I sat down and played cards with anyone as an adult.
The game started slow, but it began to pick up. Predictably, the shit-talking began. I looked down at my hand, feeling optimistic. Besides the wine, I just got an idea of how to make this night a little bit more interesting.
“What do you say to a bet?” I asked her.