Adjusting was going to be rough but then, it would stop being so rough. I would adjust and things would slowly start to make sense. We would integrate into our new communities. We would forget about the past. Soon enough, we would have new lives. A small flat in a new town would be scary and hard to get used to but that would only last so long. Once I did start over, and I did get my finances in order, we could eventually move into a nice house somewhere. I wasn't remaining in this state forever. It was just difficult to see the forest through the trees.
Fine. It was decided then. What was I going to pack?
The bank would probably love to hear this. I had been giving them the run-around, insisting that I would be hanging on to the house but now, they could finally have it. Part of me was going to be glad to see it go. Finally, it wouldn't be my problem anymore. Lord knew that I was ready to start again. This wasn't really the fresh start that I wanted after Russell died, but I was taking what I got. The only place to go from here was up.
The door of my bedroom was open. I heard Prue answer the front door and talk to whoever had to come knocking. I didn't think much of it. I was just turning my attention back to my laptop when I heard her voice calling through the house for me. She came up the stairs and appeared in my doorway.
“What is it, Prue?”
“The Earl of Arden is here to see you,” she said. She looked us surprised as I was.
“Why? Did he say what he wanted?”
“He simply said that he wanted to see you. Nothing more. Is something going on between you two?” she asked.
At one point yes, but not anymore. I got up.
“What makes you think that?”
“I ran into him in the village yesterday with Riley. I’ve heard talk that he’s taken lodging at Ben’s tavern.”
“You know better than to gossip, Prue,” I said, heading down the stairs. I kept the finer details of my personal life private, not because I didn’t trust her. Mostly because I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to admit the whole Riley paternity debacle to her. I wondered, since Niall was apparently still in Belshire, how long a rumor that he was Riley’s father would take to circulate. Niall had shown up unannounced at the estate to see me? Whatever could he want, I wondered cynically. I had a few ideas.
Firstly, he was probably here to yell at me some more about not telling him about Riley. He was here to really stick the knife in my chest and twist. Maybe, he was here to tell me that his lawyers were going to be handling the matter from now on and he was about to sue me for custody of my son. Perhaps he was here to tell me something outrageous like he had bought the estate and was here to kick me out. Each one of the theories seemed as plausible as the next. The part of me that still wanted to see Niall was being overridden by the part of me that thought we were never going to see each other again.
I had resigned myself to it. Seeing him that angry at me, I almost wanted a punishment. What I had done was wrong, it was beyond wrong, but it was the only thing I could think of doing in order to make sure that my son was okay. I wish that I had more options, but I didn't. Had the circumstances been different, had Russell been the less of an asshole, had I known who Niall was, maybe I would have contacted him and told him the truth. Wishing for things to be different at this point was useless because they were not going to change. A much better place to direct my thoughts was the future. For the first time in a long time, I could count on having a relatively bright one.
I was a little bit upset that Prue had let Niall in. She didn't know what happened between us and therefore didn’t turn him away, but I should have said something. Niall, instead of waiting in the entryway was at the doorstep. It made my chest hurt to see him again, but I didn’t want to show it. I walked up to him, doing my best to seem unaffected.
Had that confrontation really only taken place yesterday?
It felt like so much time had passed, I didn’t know why. It made me more anxious, like I didn’t know the appropriate way to respond to him.
Okay, it was fine, everything was fine. He was a guest. He was on my turf. I did not have to be scared of him. I had home-field advantage.
“Is there something you want?” I asked, coming up to the door. Unlike last night, he was looking at me with a neutral, almost bored expression on his face. The energy coming off of him was neither hot nor cold. This was more frightening than his anger from yesterday because I didn't know which way he would go from here.
“Yes. I came here because I want you.”
“What did you say?”
“I came back here because I want you, Eddy. I'm here because I want things to work between us.” I was speechless momentarily. I wasn’t sure which way he would go. That particular direction wasn’t even on the list. My heart kicked in my chest.
“What on earth makes you think that’s going to work? Were you there for anything that happened yesterday?”
“I lost my temper. I was angry and I said a lot of things that were very cruel. Please forgive me.”
“Why do you want me to forgive you? What difference does it make if you're going back to London and I'm staying here?”
“If I do head back to London, it's going to be with you and Riley. I know that there is a lot of water under the bridge, but we can get over it. Many things have happened, things between us are certainly not simple, but I want us to work it out. I never realized that I had a family but now I know that I do, and I cannot walk away from them.”
I scoffed. “You had a change of heart and I’m supposed to just fall in line?”
“No. I expect you to hold me accountable for every promise I make you. Make me work for it. Sweat for it.”
“Niall, I…” I stopped, hearing Riley’s shouts from outside. I pulled Niall into the house and closed the door behind him. “Just a second,” I told him. I trotted up the steps and called for Prue, asking her to go and handle Riley. Niall and I stood in silence as Prue walked out the door.
“You were saying?” he asked me.